[Suki]

Now. it is not rightttt...to continue about Suki, who is possibly monitoring what she has invoked in me and you, and could easily at a later stage accuse us of being bochincheros, even though that is not so. We are speaking to data that she gave us about her viewpoints and beliefs. We are not gossip-mongering at all. For example, when you posted that excerpt about her father 'en la gloria' I was initially very moved by it when I first read it in the forums, but was circumspect and reluctant to say anything that might hurt her, when that was the furthest from my intention. I could have retailiated because I had proved my point about trusting, but was still angry and hurt by her cloddish and sadistic remarks.
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Suki: I re-read that post. And it does sound like a burguesita pining away for her father, possessive about the relationship. And thus comes the crux of our dilemma about why I continued to have mixed emotions about Eddie. I excavated this weekend. It cleansed my mind. And it made me rethink my emotional states with Eddie here. Which in truth, Eddie IS NOT RESPONSIBLE for that, nor has he ever been responsible about my emotional states. ONLY I AM responsible for my own emotional states. I first arrived at pr.com on that philosophy thread. I did. And my eternally at rest father whom I will NEVER forget was the motivation for me to join up and enter the philosophy thread. And I am putting him at rest finally, today, this day. I confessed that personal loss to Eddier1, and he was the epitome of compassion and gave out personal story of his as well, later on went on with a post about music, in which he revealed something deeply personal with his illness. I was equally moved, and saw a new aspect of him, since all I had read about his posts at the time were related to politics and philosophy. And I saw many layers to him. I never had the intention of hurting him. Never. Thus, my big reaction when I realized I had offended him. Well, I think I have identified him with my father all this time. On some level. And wanted his acceptance for a friendship. Were I could speak about many subjects I had missed speaking to my father about, after all he had been dead for over one year and a half at that time. I had missed our conversations about Marxism, politics and religion and so many things. I made the mistake of seeing a father figure in Eddier1. And wanting his approval and his acceptance. It was completely emotionally based. And my pain over my Dad's loss over 4 years ago has precipitated this final closure here. Eddier1 opened up about some beautiful things. I wish I would have known at the time how rare that was. And I know he will never believe anything I say. It no longer matters, I realize one must not be attached to what others think or believe anymore. One can only know what one knows. What others know or conclude, one can never have control over. I NEVER HAD ANY MALICE or pre-meditation of sadism or hurting him. That I hurt him NOW IT IS obvious to me. I talked this over with a trusted friend. She gave me some excellent advice. I will follow it. And if she reads this, she knows this is my piece on closure. For I learned about putting emotional things to rest finally. And it sometimes takes this kind of thing to realize it. Why as human beings do we have such deep attachments to those whom we have loved? Why is it hard to let it go and face the truth of death and finality? I guess the answer lies in that part of the mammalian brain where emotion can be allowed to run rampant. And repressing emotion is not good. But allowing it to manifest in mediums which are inappropriate for emotional issues, like the internet and this forum board is not good, or having expectations based on emotions is wrong. I guess this is what Eddie had been trying to say about allowing objectivity to be our guide. Cuz, as humans if we allow our emotions to dictate our behavior. We cause all kinds of chaos. Well, Eddie stated he felt betrayed. I feel that way too now. But, I hold no grudges or negative feelings. Cuz, I realize it was precipatated by my own attachments. And my own love of wanting to see my father in someone just for a while. Eddie is not my father. And never was. He was a poster on a website, with a mission to share his philosophy and his wisdom with his fellow Puerto Ricans. His Scientific Socialism is very important to him. I still hold I learned a lot. That I don't currently agree with all aspects of that philosophy. That is allright. Many independentistas are socialists and religious and will continue to be. I asked for his mentoring to learn more about it. And all my questions do start off very superficial and not deep. That is my style in all subjects, start off with stupid questions and then move on to deep stuff. My husband does not like the style, neither did many people I know whom I have learned from in the past. Maybe I should change it. I also have a hard time with changing rules on a social level. I should have changed so many things when dealing with a man of Eddie's generation. They have strong boundaries on what kinds of behavior is acceptable and what is not acceptable. Eddie should know, I call myself a Yogist now. Not hindu. And it is due to his heavy confrontation of my religious convictions. Never before heavily confronted. I put this emotionally based relationship in my own mind to rest today. And I also put my father's loss to rest. I take responsibility for that. And I hope Stanley and Eddie take responsibility for those things they have said that are obvious to me were not accurate about me. But, no one can control what others conclude or think. It is useless to try to do that. And an act of futility.

The part about la burguesia. Lol. I think one of my 'anecdotes' or 'vignettes' is appropriate here. And it will get right to the point. A burgues is what Stanley tried to describe with the word ABOLENGO. ANCESTRY, and of being of 'buena familia'. And by buena familia it does not mean a family without problems of course, but instead a family who has a certain social and usually also an economic position of power. Where the rules don't apply to them. For example, if you have a burguesa from the left protesting in Vieques, and the NAVY people decide they are going to break up the protestors, they are going to treat the leftist burguesa with kid gloves, and the protestor with some generic last name like Rodriguez or Rivera (smile), regular joe or jane, can be handled a little more roughly. Thus, that is why there is a saying, 'justice can be bought'. For those who have that social and economic position in this society and in Puerto Rican society a burgues is that person who has favored treatment in many levels. And they are completely unaware of it. Such as Stanley thinking anyone who is hard working like he is, will be magically approved for a loan with the right collateral etc. No, Stanley the world does not work that way. There are people with certain markers on a social level and that is how they get entree into certain financial status or social status positions. As far as I know, my mother never betrayed her principles ever for money or for social climbing. Neither of us ever were interested in being burgueses. We were aware not only that we were not going to be burgueses due to us being born to people without what Jay McLeod calls social cultural capital. Look it up Stanley, it will help you end your delusional state on who is burgues and who is not. Now, many members of the working class aspire to become middle class and or eventually part of the power elite or even of being part of the burguesia, thus all the propaganda about late night tv stating "you too can become a millionaire overnight through the XYZ method of profit and power!!" It is all sold to the masses, to promote faith and perpetuate the system and see it as just and good and right and All-American and the land of opportunity. And there is always that trickle of people who fit the profile of success. Rags to riches and etc. And so the vast majority fall for it. It is what I call a social lottery ticket. For one has to sell that lottery ticket to many to get them to not revolutionize an essentially self-interested system.

On the subject of my 'eroticism' and 'fascination with sex'. Well, the part about fragrance of my husband's skin. I have a penchant for wanting to write using all my senses. I like reading literature (and have read literature for years) that is filled with imagery that engages all 5 senses. I think it brings to life what one feels and sees inside the mind. Again, apparently this is not a creative writing workshop. This is a forum. And all subjects should not go off the tangent with descriptives because people will interpret it as a woman looking for something. I guess I will have to write all kinds of things creatively. They are not burgues based. I hate wine, and only buy wine for my husband. I don't drink it. Never have. I don't go to cocktail parties or eat brie cheese. I don't see liberal women in general with any favor. I am not interested in them or their perspectives. If they are into sex and violence. I don't give a damn. I already addressed my final thoughts about those two liberal thinking icons in the thread "Final Thoughts on Certain Subjects", and my theory that military dudes (especially ex School of the Americas types), are more into sex and violence in an ugly crude way can be found on the open board. That Nacionalista allowed that filth unedited to continue because some Sargeant was the one who did it, and he is a fellow military man in arms. Makes me see clearly just how much that crap comes from the subconscious minds of ex-military people. And not the lovely sensual stories I have told here about my marriage and intimacy between people who are in love and care for each other. Which the women appreciated and gave hope for the future to (such as NegraD felt uplifted by my 'love story' about my husband), again women understand with pocas palabras. Men, might see all that as loose morals. Maybe, men of another generation especially. Who knows? I do talk about my adventures in Mexico and such, and I don't see any human being as some exotic animal in a zoo to be studied. That is highly disrespectful and arrogant. And anti-humano. Plus, highly ineffective in anthropology. But it is just an extension of a life with a Multicultural educator like my mother and a linguist/educator/artist tendency person like my father who had so much diverse people in their home. Neither whom cared about social class, I mean how could they? My father lived in El fanguito in San Juan for a while in a bad barrio in NYC, in the south bronx. My mother's early life OJOSVERDES described pretty good. Thanks Cousin. She knows she aint a burguesa. She called me yesterday. I love talking to her like I said before I am never bored or lonely in her presence. So, I have no doubts about my lack of abolengo and burguesia. Many things I have written could be interpreted as burgues. Cuz the working class usually are busy surviving and don't have time for all this fluff. Maybe if I had children I would not either.

I thought about not writing in this thread anymore. But, after talking to my friend, I decided to finalize it here. Hey, no one is going to meet my husband anyway. So, it is okay for many to speculate what my or his character truly is. If any of you had any interest in that personalistic stuff. Which I think is the reason for all this terrible derroche de emociones. Ask Puro Pedro the german doctoral student who visited my mother and I and my husband for three weeks. And ask Lorelei too, she lives in my state and I think I will develop a small freindship with the woman. She is very nice. I have always gotten along with the women on this site. I hope Fausta enjoyed the recipes I sent her through email.

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I hope this finalizes everything. In terms of violence. War is justified when one is defending something so essential that if one loses that, then life is no longer worth living. Your dignity, your humanity, your country and your sense of transcendence,that human altruism that one observes in anthropology among the great apes and the chimps (yes they can be conniving and selfish too, but they also know when to sacrifice for the group's benefit), and human beings sometimes have lost that. They have. What is more important than all those emotions and vagaries and such one goes through in life? Basic principles. Mine is in socialism Stanley. Not cuz I am into a fad, or el pip, or I am escaping into burguesia. But because I think the socialism is inevitable. It is.

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Hey all this chisme. It is just not important. I am just one like I said before in the sea of the many. I am. And unless you guys are as brave as Lorelei or some others I have met personally through pr.com. All there will be is speculation. Those are the limits of this medium. Me despedi de mi padre hoy. Fue dificil. Por que me tarde tanto? I think it was cuz I wanted to hold on to the hope of being able to recreate some kind of feeling I once had, when he was still alive. That camaraderie and passion for intellect-based themes. Maybe not passion. But dedication for intellect based themes. Now, I realized I did not see that all Eddie wanted was to share and bring truth to a fellow Puerto Rican his deepest objective convictions. Y verti hollin in his expectativas. Never was my intention to do that. I just wanted his simple acceptance and friendship. But, he don't do that. Not with some person unknown and not of his ideological group 100%. He has his strong reasons. Mostly based on hard lessons and experiences. But, I feel he did not have to do what he did in this thread. It no longer matters now. All of it is dead. And maybe there is peace in this death after all. Like there is peace with my final acceptance that my father is dead and never coming back in any way. Through friends, family or acquaintances. He was my father. I will remember him. Just as when my mother passes someday. I will come here and read her posts to remember. Never forgotten. If I sounded mixed emotions towards Ed it was never his responsibility to make my emotions do this or that. No. I just wanted him to give me something emotional so I could revisit those conversations with my father. And that was the reasons for the railings, and the railings against the consistent absence of acceptance and friendship from him on that level. That was never his job. Who I know in terms of personality, my father has a lot more of Guaili's personality than Ed. Ed in all objectivity was brighter than my father. Pero de corazones son distintos. And I am gone. I need to change. And get away from all this judgementalism. And take action on my socialism. Do for others. They know who they are.
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Good Night and to all who gave me sage advice in crisis. Deep thanks.

Suki.

[Edited by Suki on 28th July 2003 at 07:16]