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  #1 (permalink)  
Old 12th September 2004, 23:43
Krys Krys is offline
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So I, the African American woman, lost out to the PR woman.

Let's get one thing straight, I love the latin community for their strong cultural ties and loyalty. I joined this community to get some help along in my learning spanish. Right now it's horrible....LOL! This is not a bash the PR women thread. Okay my story

So this guy that I was, okay let's be real,...it was not a relationship but we spent time together. We're both from the south and that is important because black men from the south are very color struck. He is too but will not admit it. He calls it a preference but all of the serious women in his life have either been really light complectioned black women with a straighter grade of hair or white women. So now he is seriously dating and is probably going to marry the PR woman. The only other women he considered marriage to was the white woman. He has never been in a serious relationship with a woman of my skin tone or hair type. I am the same skin complection as say Celia Cruz or Tyra Banks and I have regular type 4B AA kinky hair which I sport naturally. Men in the south don't like that either.

I fell for him unfortunatly and that was my mistake. He has stated that I have a lot going for me and that he could see himself in a relationship with me and blah, blah, blah. I was only one thing to him and that has really broken my heart. He wants to remain friends, I say no. I know he's going to marry her and it breaks my heart. It would not be appropriate for us to continue communication.

This has really effected my self esteem. I know I'm beautiful. But in my certain situation being a AA women at 25 who is a mother limits my dating pool of interested men. So unfortunately, I have become a "stop" along the way for black men or men in general who want some company but nothing serious. I don't have naturally straight hair, light skin, light eyes. He loves this about women. He visited PR on vacation last year and all he could talk about was their hair and their skin and how beautiful they were and how if he could have just spoken the language he would have married them right on the spot! I'm like WTF but I remained cool but it definitely put a dent in my self esteem.

This "relationship" has really taken a toll on me. It's hard being a black woman when society and your own people place you at the bottom of the beauty category.

I get all kinds of attention from men so that is not the problem but nothing ever goes beyond "you're sexy" and "you look good" blah blah blah. That's old.

I know he would have considered a relationship with me if I was not a mother and I looked like Rosalyn Sanchez (He really likes her). The last woman he was with was from Honduras but she has children and I think because of that he just wanted to play. Had she not had kids, he probably would have married her. She dropped him and is now getting married to someone else.

One thing I admire about the latin community is that the majority are not going to just lay around and play house. Family seems to be really important to the latin comunity. You're either going to marry or leave. (My limited generalization. I know this is not all true but from what I have seen and experienced it seems to be so).

I know that I will bounce back. I'm a beautiful women I know but right now my heart is hurting. I just want to be loved for who I am. I don't want to have to straighten my hair or have light skin to attract a wonderful guy.

Because of this experience, I have opened my dating pool. Never considered latin guys but hey why not? We have a huge Mexican community en Tejas. (More of my bad espanol)

Anyway I just wanted to vent. Any replies are very welcome.

Muchas Gracias (Did I spell that right?)
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  #2 (permalink)  
Old 29th April 2005, 19:25
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Well, I live in the south, and I can see where you are coming from.

If he says that is his preference, why can't it be? Sure, there are some pobre negritos who are colorstruck, but that doesn't mean that just because a guy sticks to white or latin women that black women are any less beautiful. There are too many issues that each individual man who feels this way has been through to make such a broad generalization.

Black women often times put themselves in a box dating-wise. They think the ONLY men in the world for them are black men. Being that black men are "en vogue" now and women everywhere are curious because of the rise of hip hop, it is only natural that some black men are going to go elsewhere. Being brown myself, I can relate on both ends, both to blacks and puerto rock... I just know I am going to marry a boricua because of the CULTURE we share, not because of hair texture, eye color and skin complexion (which in many cases, boricuas and black women do not differ much).

You can stand two men next to each other and line up 10 women, 5 black, of all shades, hair texture, etc, and 5 boricuas the same way (since we come in all shades and hair textures, too -- I hate how everyone thinks all boricuas look like J-Lo or Roselyn or Ricky Martin or some blanquito como eso -- look at Bernie Williams and Ruben Sierra of the New York Yankees, or Carlos Delgado of the Florida Marlins... they're darker than Morris Chestnut!)

But I guarantee you those two guys would find the same women PHYSICALLY attractive. But the man who is after the cultural similarities will choose the one who he is attracted to AND shares the culture with.

In the case of your friend there -- he's just colorstruck and been brainwashed by Hollywood. He doesn't even speak spanish, doesn't know anything about Puerto Rican culture or how to treat a Puerto Rican woman. What is REALLY motivating him other than what she looks like?

That's the difference there, and you said clearly where his mind is, so that much is obvious.

I think because I am darker than most, black women think I am OBLIGATED to chase them or something -- when in most cases either their attitudes turn me off, or we have nothing in common or they're already engaged or married. Few men LOOK to marry women with children, and I am definitely not one of them. No condemnation for those with kids, but that is not fair (without going into graphic detail as to what that means). Often times those same women who have these kids will diss the same guy they claim is ignoring them or passing them over -- for the guy they had the kids with... then want that other guy to commit! Where's the taking of one's responsibility here? I see that ALOT myself, so I know this is true. No one wants to deal with a woman like that. It is a huge red flag and most men with any sense will turn the other way and run!

But just keep your head up and do not compromise or settle. A good man will FIND you if you are not out of place messing around with some scumbag who is not worth your time. I hear women who talk like you are all the time, and my friends are all top-shelf... yet some of them constantly tell me how they'd approach so and so if she wasn't giving Mr. Thug in a Suit the time of day. What's with the whole being scared to be by one's self thing anyway, if you can answer that... many times you are just out of place or involved with someone you shouldn't be and have probably missed a good man who was right under your nose.

Bottom line, if he's a knucklehead like your friend who is just chasing a Hollywood knockoff or a guy who SINCERELY loves Puerto Rican women and prefers them -- that is no reason to waste time and get caught up concerning yourself with such a man.
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  #3 (permalink)  
Old 27th May 2005, 20:38
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And I would offer to opine that -- you cannot "LOSE" what you never had. Get over it and move on. Regardless of his motives for wanting a latina, it is not up to you to sit around and pick that apart and CLAIM to know what he's thinking (one way or the other) black women are notorious for doing this -- not realizing it only alienates black men even MORE (I hope this is ringing clear, btw). Not only black men, but then latinos, even white men. But since getting with a man who isn't black (representing a comfort zone that most black women are not willing to leave) is too much to ask, they'd rather cling to a man who doesn't want them and has basically said such -- either with words and/or actions!
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  #4 (permalink)  
Old 19th November 2008, 03:04
keenu keenu is offline
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delgado is right you have to go on you wil find right one for you i belivie that everyone has a soulmate and you will find your soulmate
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  #5 (permalink)  
Old 10th May 2009, 01:56
LaDulceVida LaDulceVida is offline
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this is old.

Last edited by LaDulceVida; 10th May 2009 at 02:04. Reason: old
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  #6 (permalink)  
Old 27th September 2009, 18:47
Cocoricomami Cocoricomami is offline
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I know this is an old thread, but I wanted to address the original poster. I agree with what Delgado22 said.

Too many Black women spend so much time crying over the Black men who don't want them anyway.

Most Black men will marry a Black woman. Stop looking at the media, it presents a skewed reality. Most athletes have Black wives, contrary to popular culture and most wealthy Black men as well as most Black men in general choose Black women.

No more than 10% of Black men are married to women who aren't Black. The media only shows you interracial couples with a Black man and White woman, when statistics show that about 35% of Asian women are in interracial marriages to White men. They don't show the Connie Chung/Maury Povich couples, although this is a reflection of the majority of interracial couples. Instead they bombard you with images of the Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush couples. They don't show you Shaq and Shaunie or Donovan McNabb and his wife Roxy.

So, stop focusing on one Black man who is colorstruck and interested in dating outside his race. Frankly, it's each individuals choice to date who they want to. You don't own Black men and they don't own you. There is no law that says a Black person has to date another Black person, and this is a reality for each race. We would like to believe that we are somehow obligated to date/marry/mate with someone from our "race," because historically, people married within their culture. But much of this was due to the fact that people married people who lived in their community, and until recently (within the last 50 years), most people lived in communities with people who looked like them).

Now, in the US people live, work and go to school with people of other races and cultures, so the intermixing is going to become more common. But even with that, I still believe the majority of people want to and will marry someone from their race/culture. So, my advice to you is to calm down and start to notice the Black men who do want to be married to and date you, and with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away.
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  #7 (permalink)  
Old 2nd December 2009, 13:15
Star Escobar Star Escobar is offline
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As a woman who has an AA mother and a PR father....I can understand both sides of the coin.....but I identify more with my black side on this issue...mainly because I grew up with my black family and have more black friends than any other race...so I understand where the original poster is coming from

Black men where I live (Ohio) are extremely color struck.....I'm light-skinned with long hair and have been told many times by my darker brothers that they have to be with a woman my color or lighter because they don't want their kids to come out dark.....CRAZY!!!....

I get approached by different types of men...but I've noticed in conversation that some black men approach me simply on the basis that I'm light skinned.....and evnthough it works to my advantage....it is extremely disheartening....and makes me not want to talk to those men.....*rolls eyes*

Krys......there's men out there that will appreciate you for you....keep an open-mind and an open heart....if a man can't see you for the beautiful woman that you are on the inside and OUT....he's an idiot and not worth your time....you are truly better off without him.....he has issues within himself....and they would eventually just start bringing you down....black is beautiful....ALL shades....never forget that
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