How can I understand what he wants?

[mariahvina]

Hi!
I have been saving myself for a good, honest man that can really love me. I considere myself a good person, smart, and beatiful. I have been in this relationship for two years off and on. I am still trying to figure out what he wants from me. I am divorced and had an only very bad marriage. He knows all the details. Anyhow We start off very nice, we go out, he has meet all my family and my two children love him as a father. I have met all his family and his children love me too. He is very hard working, has kids to whom he is a great father. But every couple of months when I believe that we are ok. We dont fight but have differences that we can talk about and come to an agreement.
We have been together this second time for six months ( before we were together for nine months and my father got in the way and we broke up, my father did not know him and did not like him, but that is something else)
Anyhow I am trying to make a commitment without mariage to this beautiful man ( inside and out). But when everything seems fine he wants to break up or he hides in a shell and won't let me in.
I really love him and I can understand that he had a very bad marriage (she was unfaithful) but I am a new very different person. Besides I have discovered him trying to hide when he has a problem. It doesn't matter if I can help, nor if I can console him he won't let me.
I have been trying to come live at my house, but he wont. Right now he lives with his mother and two of is children who are 21 and 18. My babies are small(8 and 10. His mother will make requests that have to be done early even when she knows he is coming to see me. So after one or two hours he has to leave because she asked him for something that closes at 10pm. He works in another town and I hardly get to see him. He tries to spen is off days with me but most of the time it is imposible. Mainly his mother wants something or his ex or his other family. And I can understand that his mother is old (76) and that his father wont help. and that his niece needs him because she is alone and has three kids she cant take care of. and that his ex wants money and wants him to take care of their children while she does something else but ...
I feel my time is not important being with me is the last thing in his priorities. I swear it drives me completely nuts. Help me.
Should I break up with him or should I wait until he changes his lifestyle?

[F_D_B]

Wow, it sounds like this guy has a lot going on. I don't think that you can make a decision of whether or not you should break up with him based on what you are saying.
You can't try to figure out what he wants from you, he has to tell you. You also have to tell him how the little time you spend with him affects you. Just remember that you deal with a sensitive subject anytime family memebers are involved, so you have to approach the topic carefully. If he won't communicate with you then you have to decide if a relationship where you have to be guessing all the time is one that is worth keeping. Remember two people have to happy in a relationship.

[davidFreedom]

Love is a compromise. You should be able to let him know your true feelings , as you have done on this forum.
If you are having feelings that tell you that you will never be the first in his life, you may be right. Trust your instincts!

[BRENDABORICUA]

I DON'T KNOW IF I SHOULD DIP INTO THIS OR NOT SEEING THAT THE RESPONSES HAVE BEEN POSITIVE AND WHAT I HAVE TO SAY IS NEGATIVE. I HAVE BEEN MARRIED NOW FOR ALMOST TWO YEARS WITH A 13 MONTH OLD AND A BABY ON THE WAY. I WENT THROUGH THE SAME STUFF WITH MY HUSBAND BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED, HIS MOM WOULD COINCIDENTALLY NEED SOMETHING JUST AS HE WAS HEADING OUT THE DOOR OR IF HE HAD PLANS TO GO OUT WITH ME ON SATURDAY, HIS BROTHERS NEEDED HIM. THAT WAS UNDERSTANDABLE FROM A 19 YEAR OLD. NOT A GROWN MAN WITH GROWN KIDS. HE NEEDS TO CUT THE UMBILICALCORD ALREADY. IF YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN SERIOUS AND WANT TO LIVE TOGETHER OR GET MARRIED, WHATEVER... HE NEEDS TO REALIZE THAT IT'S TIME TO MOVE ON. HIS KIDS WILL PROBABLY GET MARRIED BEFORE YOU TWO DO IF HE CONTINUES LIKE THIS. NO DOUBT HIS MOTHER AND NIECE NEED HELP BUT THEY ARE GROWN FOLKS. IF HIS NEICE HAS AN EMERGENCY AND NEEDS HIM THAT'S UNDERSTANDABLE BUT THOSE KIDS HAVE A FATHER I'M SURE, AND IF NOT THEN SHE NEEDS TO LEARN TO BE INDEPENDENT AND LET YOUR MAN LEAD HIS OWN LIFE, NOT PICK UP PIECES OF SOMEONE ELSES. THAT WAS THE SAME PROBLEM I HAD. MY FATHER IN LAW TRAVELED ALOT WITH HIS JOB AND THE OLDEST WAS AWAY AT COLLEGE SO MY MOTHER IN LAW EXPECTED HIM TO RAISE THE OTHER TWO BOYS WHO WERE TEENAGERS. I MEAN PLEASE.... IT'S TIME TO REALIZE WHAT HE WANT TO DO. EITHER STAY AT HOME WITH MOM AND KIDS... OR BE THERE FOR ANOTHER 10 YEARS WHILE THE KIDS GET MARRIED AND GO AND THE MOTHER PASSES ON.. (DIOS NO QUIERA). AND IN THE MEAN TIME YOUR SITTING BY THE CLOCK (10 YEARS LATER) WAITING FOR HIM TO DECIDE... STILL. THINK ABOUT IT. I THINK YOU NEED TO THINK REAL HARD WHETHER OR NOT YOU TWO WILL EVER BE TOGETHER.... FOR GOOD. IF NOT, MI AMIGA MAYBE IT'S TIME TO MOVE ON. HOPE I WASN'T TOO HARSH. BRENDA

[rosanna]

Dear Mariahvina: The wisest thing you can do is not ask what HE needs but what YOU need. If you are not getting it, maybe you should move on. Marriage takes a LOT of HARD work on both parts and if he cannot commit you should go on to bigger and better things.

[mariahvina]

Hi!
I appreciate all your comments and advice you have certainly given me something to hope for and the guys points of view are well taken. I have been analizing everything you have said. You have very good arguments, I have no doubts. I have also seen myself in the mirror when Brenda expresses her experience. I don't want to be sitting by the clock waitng for his decision, but I do love him with all my heart. This week we talked. He says he is sorry he cant give all the time I deserve. He recognizes that his mothers requests are selfish, but she is old and sick. He told me he will try to find a job closer to home to spend more time with me. He also told me he has been going through a depression and that he has to be alone when he is depressed. I gave him the option to be alone but then he changed conversation and said he did not want that. He said that if we broke up we would both loose but that he would loose more. I am thinking about giving him more time to get organized, I dont know how much more time. I told my brother about this and he says to wait, to give him the chance of trying to get his life on track because he is a good man that really loves me.
It is very hard for me to wait I know I am very impatient. His oldest daughter also told me not to worry because she knows he is crazy about me and that maybe something else is going on like problems at work or some kind of guilt because she is sick.I still dont know want I am going to do but thank you for taking your time and giving me an honest answer.

[chopa_7]

[hello again