Devastated: Stabbed in the Heart and The Back

[NegraD]

I recently broke up with a Puertorican man who had become emotionally abusive toward me at the end of the relationship. I just couldn't take it anymore, so I ended it. He sent me a malicious e-mail telling me that he never really considered me special in his life. As if that was not hurtful enough, I learned later that he had been using me for my money and companionship and was cheating on me with his ex-wife, who did not know that he was dating anyone. I am still devastated, and my heart hurts so much because deep down I still love him. Everyone tells me that I should just get over it and move on. How do I do that? I wish it were that easy. Now I don't know if i can trust another man again, especially a Latino man. When will the hurt go away?

[Saint_Tiger]

First off, before I say anything else, Let me tell you this. I really can't stand a person who sulks in self pity and blames others for their situations.

Can't trust another Latino man? What you seem to not realize is that the main thing that you can't trust is your own heart. Where do you think they came up with the term that love is blind. It doesn't all have to do with looks. It has to do with everything else that we fail to see. Whenever one falls deep in love they become blind to the things that they dislike about their partner.

I'm not saying that he wasn't a pendejo de mierda. Because I would beat him if you were a friend of mine and I heard something like that. But just because you had it bad with someone you let yourself fall deep in love with. Don't take it out on the rest of us Latino men who know how to treat a mujer con dignidad, respeto, ternura y valor.
Porque sin eso, no sirve el amor.




Saint_Tiger

[Lorelei]

NegraD,

Just move on. Even if you still love him, in your head you know he's no good. If he could treat you like that once, he can do it again.

He is a man with some deep-seated problems. He definitely appears to have attachment disorder. Otherwise how could he get you to fall so deeply in love with him, just to kick you to the curb afterwards. Count it as experience and move on.

We've exchanged enough posts in the past, and I've read your most eloquent posts on other topics on this board, that I know you are an intelligent person. Do you deserve to be treated that way? Stop looking at what was good in the relationship and move on, because you deserve better. You do not, in cases like this, have to take the bad with the good.

There is a man out there who will love you even better than this one did AND you'll be able to trust him. Move on emotionally and physically if need be, so that he can come into the picture.

How do you move on? You fill your life with all that is good. You have your work, your students. Fill your free time with people who you know love you, people you can trust--friends, family. Do things that you enjoy. And whenever thoughts of him come into your head, remember how he hurt you. It will take time. And keep in mind that our heart is most deceitful and sometimes it lies and plays down the hurtful incidents and places instead in our minds the good memories. When that happens, go read that email where he said those hateful things to you. If you still have trouble, then it's not unreasonable to seek counseling to learn why you would be so attracted to someone who could be so cruel.

Take care of yourself,
Lorelei

[Italia_Lena]

NegraD,

I know this must be very hard for you. I too was in a deep seated relationship with a Puerto Rican man for 1 year. I loved him with all of my heart and soul. My mind and body. I enthralled my entire life in his. He told me he loved me and I had no reason to believe other wise. It ended, and although I was not physically abused, the pain of the end of a relationship with a man I loved was greater than ever.

My advice to you is that it will take time. For me, going to therapy helped a great deal. It helped me see that this man hurt me, and that the person I loved or thought I "still love" never existed. Everyone wears a social mask, you must look beyond the mask to see the person. Sometimes, we choose to just keep looking at the mask, because we like the mask, and are afraid to see the true face behind it. Think of it this way: instead of saying deep down "I still love him" ask yourself some questions. Do you miss inimacy and the physical part of being with him? Do you miss calling him and saying hi on the phone? Do you miss the nice things he has said to you or about you? You will probably answer "yes" to all of those questions. Now tell yourself and understand that you can have those things with another man, one whom will love you unconditionally and accept your flaws and mistakes. You should not depend on any man to give you feelings of self worth and I think us women do that a lot and than when the man ditches us the the curb we are crushed because we feel like we cannot function in the world with out their words! It is sad but many may agree on how true it is.

I never thought I would get over my "ex" or stop missing his son. However, the pain goes away, if you let it go away. I still think about his son, and remember his smile and his laugh, but I know that there is nothing that would keep me in a relationship with a man that doesn't respect me and love me the way I would him. In order for the pain to stop and for you to move on, you must let go.

When you feel like calling him or contacting him, STOP FOR A MINUTE, write down what you would say to him and what he would say to you. Than write down the REAL reason for your calling him. Ask yourself what you really want, and how likely contacting him is going to get that for you. Write down how you will feel after the call is made or the contact has been made. This will bring you closer to reality of what is going on and taking place in your life and the behaviors you can change to go in a different and healthier direction!

I hope this helped! Email me anytime at jen.b@puertorico.com, I would be happy to talk if you ever needed someone to lean on!

Que Dios te bendiga y quidate mucho!

[NegraD]

Thanks everybody. I appreciate the feedback. Saint Tiger, I appreciate the "tough love." You're right... I have never been one to dwell in self-pity, but I've also never been hurt this badly before. My brother was going to provide the beating you mentioned, but I am not a violent person, and I and my family are better than that. So I convinced him to let it go. Jenn and Lorelei, you two are wonderful for pointing out to me all the good things I can focus on. I just need to keep my mind distracted. I have been talking with a family friend who is a Christian counselor, and that has helped.

I went through the stage of wanting to contact this man, but then I realized that someone this sick would never want to have an intelligent and rational discussion about what happened. What I really wanted was an admission of guilt and an apology. Instead, he continued to lie, paint himself as the victim, and blame me. I'm not interested in having him back in my life, because I am too much woman to put up with any man's abuse, which is why I told him that I refused to take it anymore. But this has still been hard for me because, of the little dating I've done in the past, this was the first man with whom I felt I had a special connection. I guess that's why I fell so hard and couldn't see past the mask.

It still hurts so much to know that the man I had grown to love was someone with such a malicious personality and such control issues. He started to make me feel like I was the one doing everything wrong (from not dressing right to not wearing my hair right to not calling him enough or not giving him enough space). I realize now that there was nothing more that I could have done; he was never going to be satisfied. (Even his ex assured me after the truth came out that the reason they divorced was because he used to play the same head games with her. The good thing that came out of it was that she realized also that she could do better, especially in terms of the example she was setting for their two young boys.) It does not take away the pain and anger I still feel, though.

I know I should not generalize and view all Latin men as having this problem, but this experience has made me question my ability to trust and be as giving and open as I once was. After all, one of the things that hurt so much was that he used some of the personal things I told him about myself against me later on when we fought. It's like he said all the right words and convinced me to trust him just so he would have amunition to use later in his attempt to destroy me emotionally. Don't worry... I'm not destroyed, just very hurt and angry about giving so much (lots of money, time, companionship, emotional support, cooking, cleaning, etc.--much more than he ever gave me) and then being treated so badly.

I did say to him when he first started acting badly that I was an independent and confident woman who enjoyed her own company before I met him and will be after he's gone. (That really hurt him--Yeah!) I guess this is the time for me to prove my own words. So, I am going to keep myself busy, work at getting over the anger, and make a mental list of all the things I chose to overlook that were clues to what a jerk I was dealing with. (For instance, if a man jumps at your offer to pay for his trip to P.R. to visit his mom when he's low on funds, gets annoyed when you can't come over to cook for him, and expects you to listen to his problems but won't listen to yours as much, RUN!!!) Oh, the foolish things we women do when in love! Well, now that I know better, I think I'll just wait for God to send me Mr. Right. So, Mr. Wrongs, beware and keep stepping!!! I now know the game, and I won't settle for anything less than the best!!!

[Italia_Lena]

NegraD

Just remember there IS power in forgivness. By forgiving him and letting go of the anger u WILL move on. Holding on to the hurt and pain will cause u to allow him to continue his "conrol" over u and you and your life. Don't give him that satisfaction.

[Lorelei]

Hello NegraD,

I'm glad you've got the support you mentioned and to have a friend that is a counselor is an added bonus.

I don't blame you for wanting to get an apology. I think in your own mind you're trying to find that person that you thought he was, to assure yourself that he wasn't a figment if your imagination. But either that person was an act, or that person plays only a minor role in this person's personality. So, forget about it.

Thank God you didn't marry him. I've seen men like that(and women too--men don't have the corner on that market). People who are so manipulative because they think only of themselves, never of how their actions could be hurting someone else. They are sociopaths.

I'm so glad I didn't end up with one.

You'll heal from this situation, and maybe even be grateful for the lesson learned from it. It might save you even bigger headaches down the road in dealing with people like this in other aspects of your life, not just your love life. Sociopaths like this one can be found in the work place and business world too. So, now that you've met one perhaps you'll recognize the other and be more cautious in your dealings with people all around.