Can and Should One Forgive Infidelity by a Significant Other?

[NegraD]

I'm just curious about how others (single or married) feel about infidelity. While I personally could eventually forgive that person (with much time, that is), I don't think I could forget it and get past it, especially in this DYING age of disease. I would always wonder if my mate would do it again, and if so what the repurcussions would be (especially to my health, given that kind of recklessness).

Can and should cheating be forgiven? Is it true that once a cheat, always a cheat? Can the relationship be resurrected? Can one trust that person again? Is it just an issue of trust? What about how that impacts the future of that relationship or of a new relationship? Is there a difference in the ways in which men and women view this? I want to hear how you feel about this topic, and I am open to all opinions.

[Leticia_g]

Infidelity in a relationship is something that can't be taken lightly. I understand that there are situations that you love a person and want to try to understand the "whys" of the causes however you must first think of the relationship inself. If you have been married a long time and it so happens that you find out that your spouse has been unfaithful, you should first evaluate your feelings and his. Find out where your relationship is. Be honest with yourself and don't ever lose your self respect. If you decide to forgive then you must forget. If you don't forget you will continue to have problems in your relatioonship and now the problems can escalate. I know, I would have problems just staying in the relationship but I also know that if I loved the person and it was a one time indiscretion for whatever reason, I might be able to forgive if I definitely felt that he loved me and would make amends. I am only speaking about a marriage because if I wasn't married, I would not be as tolerant and forgiving. I feel that the loyalty and devotion that I expect to give my mate should be reciprocated in its' entirety with no exceptions. Fidelity should not be something that women do and men don''t have to do. It should be something that all couples should abide by.

[Lily2001]

I am one of those women that forgave, but never forgot. There was evidence that my husband cheated, he had not one but two sons by different women. The last one I decided to kick him out of my house. Years later I begin to take charge of my life and met someone. Little did I know he was out to do the same to me. He married someone and had regular affairs, until I caught him, 3 yrs ago. and since that time I have decided to remake my life, but with a different perspective. I will not take crap from anyone any more. It is very hard to deal with especially if you love deeply. But time heals all wounds, I just didn't want to stick around any longer. So now I really wouldn't know what to tell anyone, except that if you forgive you must forget. They both go hand in hand.

[nachos1965]

I generally do not forgive someone who is cheating on me. I have been cheated on lots of times while dating and if I suspect someone is cheating on me, then that is the end of the relationship. Why? Because trust is the most important thing in a relationship. I you can't trust someone, then the relationship is stagnant and you don't grow closer to each other.

In some ways you have to ask yourself, why did your man cheat? Of course, he will come up with some lame reason why. "It meant nothing to me" kinda response, but that is BS. If he cheats because he has a problem with fidelity or a problem with getting emotionally close to someone, kick him to the curb. This type of problem make take a decade to get over even with therapy. Why waste your life on someone who is too emotional distraught to be a good husband?

If he cheats because he believes that it is a man's perogative, then again kick him to the curb. This is a macho attitude that never changes. He was raised this way and he will never change. Although cheating in my mind is absolutely out of the question in a relationship, there is somewhat of a difference between a one night stand and a relationship that he sustained over time. The later type of cheating may be unfixable, because that means that he had to lie and connive for a long time. These habits are hard to break and the trust factor may never come back. Might as well end it now.

If he had a one-night stand and it has never happened before, then I would suggest going to therapy with him to deal with why he felt the need to have a one-night stand. Maybe there are difficulties in the relationship that caused him to reach out to someone else for instant, selfish, gratification. He may feel guilty about this. Counseling can help the two of you resolve the problems that your relationship has. But that doesn't mean that you don't forget that he cheated on you and plan accordingly. He should stop the behavior that puts him in a compromising position; e.g., going out with the boys on Friday night by himself. He should also end or curtail those relationships with his friends (be they male or female) that encourage his infidelity. Some men spend a lot of time with single men who are on the prowl and want to feel good by following along. If you are married to your man and he is reluctant to be around other married men, but wants to hang out with single guys be wary. If the single men don't respect you or the relationship and understand that the relationship requires fidelity, then he should be willing to end these relationships because these guys are only being selfish and don't care about him or his relationship with you if that relationship means a lot to him. This is true even of married men who are selfish. If he is not willing to end the destructive friendships or demand that his friends respect your relationship, dump him. He isn't worth it. Also, if he start repeating the destructive behavior, then watch out, he is going to start his cheating ways again.

He should be willing to acknowledge that he was selfish, that he hurt you and that what he did was wrong. One of the ways he does this is by acknowledging his risky behavior and telling you what he should do to change this; e.g., wanting to give attention to other women. If he doesn't believe that he is engaging in risky behavior, then dump him. He should also be willing to acknowledge that he needs to rebuild your trust and that it will take time. You should also acknowledge and tell him that there are going to be times when you will be angry with him over other things or suspicious of him which may be because of his infidelity. He should be aware of this and accept this as a consequence of cheating on you. The anger should eventually subside over time (give it at least two years). If it doesn't or if he is too impatient, then you probably should end the relationship.

Nachos.

P.S. If anyone is thinking I know this because I cheated on my girlfriends or my ex-wife, think again. I have not. But I have spent a lot of time trying to convince men I know you admit to me that they were cheating on their wifes or significant others to stop their destructive behavior. If they don't, then I typically end my friendship with them, because like an addict, then eventually want you to engage in the same behavior so that the feel like what they are doing is acceptable. "My friends are doing it. It must be okay." I am not stupid.

[NegraD]

I appreciate your response, especially coming from a Latin male's perspective. You have renewed my faith that one bad apple does not necessarily spoil the whole bunch.

I have no intentions of taking this person back, even though he insists that I should have just forgiven him. I wholeheartedly agree abouth the trust issue. While I can forgive, I can never forget. The thought of him in bed with another woman is stamped on my consciousness. When I asked him how he would feel if I had been unfaithful to him, he had no answer and showed no remorse. In fact, he turned around and accused me of making a huge issue over nothing and dragging other people into the situation. I cannot even fathom cheating on a man, not only because I would never degrade myself in that way but also because I would never want to hurt a man's ego in that way, and I would not want it done to me. I could never trust someone again who would put himself and me at risk for a fatal disease and not care about that, especially in this "dying" age.

When I am in a relationship and feel that we have reached the point where we are committed, I give my all to a man--mind, body, and spirit. And I do not think that it is ureasonable to expect less from the other person. That is why finding out about hidden agendas and infidelity is such a terrible thing.

I was not married to this person, but I was in a relationship that I thought was heading somewhere. This man swore to me that he was over his ex because they had been divorced for long enough for him to move on. Yet, he continually kept talking about her and the supposedly terrible things she had done to him. I believed him, because I had no one to verify the facts with, and some women can be cruel. But I started to feel uncomfortable about him talking about her. I tried to be there for emotional support, did romantic things (like call him out of the blue at work or before he left in the morning to say I was thinking of him) to make him feel special, and even helped him financially. I also tried to steer him away from conversations about her. I later discovered that all he said was a lie, and that he and the ex had an "arrangement," meaning they slept together from time to time but there was no relationship, even though she told me later that he was sending her cards and telling her he wanted his family back while he was dating me. According to her, she was just using him. But obviously they have some serious unresolved emotional issues, because she seemed very concerned about what he said about her; and when I confronted him he was extremely concerned about her feelings, but cared less about mine. Now he's miserable and alone, because neither of us want him.

I am new to this whole infidelity thing. This is the first (and hopefully the last) time I have ever been cheated on. You are wise not to keep company with such men, because we are truly known by the company we keep. Did the former guy friends you knew show any remorse for cheating? Do they believe that women should just forgive them without any work? Have they explained why they would do this if they have a good woman who listens to their needs and is attentive, loving and supportive? Is it just a case of commitment phobia or attachment disorder? Sorry to make you the "resident male expert" on this, but I have enjoyed and been enlightened by your statements.

Oh, why are you single (if you don't mind me asking)? Pardon my impertinence, but an obviously intelligent man with this much sensitivity toward women's issues should be spoken for already. I hope I haven't embarrassed you with that compliment.

Anyway, thanks again, and I hope to read more of your responses.

D.

P.S. I still have that poem "Island of Feelings" at my desk. Thanks again for that also. I've been sharing it with everyone.

[nachos1965]

Thanks for the compliment. I am no expert when it comes to relationships and have my own insecurities that can cause havoc. Remember, I said that I was cheating on alot by women with their exs. It takes time to learn to trust.

Most of the guys I know who have cheated have "temporary remorse;" i.e., feel bad for a while, but the relationship with their significant other is so destructive that they "justify" cheating again. In the relationship in particular that I am thinking about right now, the woman had been incentuously raped repeatedly which resulted in familial suicide that negatively affected her self-worth and sexual self-esteem. This, of course, became a factor in the cheating when she refused to be sexually intimate with her husband after awhile. The husband also had a macho attitude based upon his financial well-being. (He was white and not Hispanic). Believe me, he was not someone who had good looks, but when you drive a BMW and women are throwing themselves at you to get your money, even an ugly guy can get a big head and thinks he deserves a pretty woman.

I think the main reason that men I know cheat is because of a fear of intimacy. Men, in general, have a strong sexual desire and when that is combined with a fear of intimacy, then a relationship suffers because the man isn't emotionally involved in the relationship and is not satisfying the woman's emotional needs. If a woman's emotional needs are not being satisfied because her man isn't making her feel important; e.g., doing nice things for her, telling her that he loves her, etc., then it's difficult for a woman to be sexually intimate at the frequency a man may want it. So the male begins resenting the relationship because he isn't satisfied sexually. In turns into, "My wife isn't give me any" syndrome, so he justifies getting it somewhere else. "I have my needs" is what the men generally will say. I had one guy tell me that if his wife would give it to him more and the way he wanted it, then he wouldn't need to have affairs. He even told this to her face.

Everyone of us has insecurity issues from our childhood, although some people won't admit it. But when a person has difficulty emotionally attaching themselves to a person of the opposite sex, no amount of listening, showering of love or praise will eliminate this problem. They probably need professional psychological help (Which by the way, the white guy I mentioned above is seeking after I encouraged him. It took me several years of talking to him about it before he finally agreed to go).


Nachos.

[NegraD]

"Cheating 101" Ha, ha... I like that. You have a quick witt and sense of humor as well.

"Fear of Intimacy": Basically, men and women who cheat are not emotionally available and fear revealing too much of themselves because they may open themselves up to the other person seeing the "real" them, insecurities and all. So they cover it all up and rationalize and blame the other person so they do not have to deal with the fear. I think that's what you're saying. If so, I think I get it. And what a shame! What a sad and lonely existence never to risk revealing yourself to someone who wants to accept you. If only people would realize that showing and expressing the truth would make the relationship so much richer and healthier than playing games, cheating, and running to what is not good for you.

I congratulate you on trying to help your fellow males see the light. Maybe your intervention will save a lot of women from serious heartbreak. And you are right: Learning to trust again takes time. While I and you can never forget, we can gain strength and power from forgiveness, meaning releasing that person and the effects of their actions so that we can be freer, wiser, and better. Here's to all of us and relationships--healthy ones!!!

D.