Mixed Puertorican families in a black and white world

[chola927]

Who has the answer to this one?
I am half puertorican and part black as well as a couple of other races. My son's father and step father are african-american. One of the problems is that where we live, there are little to no latinos. My son is nine and very sociable. The white kids in his school, not all, don't see him as friend material, and the black kids see him as too different to really be friendly with. There are a few who will associate with him but to a lesser degree. He his going through the same thing I went through primarily as a child. I used to get" what are you?" a lot and still get those looks. The first time I meet people they always ask who I'm with am I mixed. I don't mind that so much about that, but the comments my son gets from other kids either way about his "look"and his heritage irritate us both. He's so put off by it he refuses to speak or even learn spanish now and it was his first language.What can I do since there are no other kids like him readily available to be with?

[nachos1965]

Chola927,
After much reflection about this topic over the weekend and talking to a special someone about my own experiences (thank you, NegraD), I have finally decided to answer this post. First, I am not of mixed race. My parents were both Puerto Ricans born on the Island. Although that may be a difference, I have experienced the same things that you and your son have. As you already know, Puerto Ricans are a interracial culture and from Taino, European and African descent. It makes us who we are from the color of our skin to the language we speak, to the foods we eat, to the music we listen to. My grandparents (both maternal and paternal) are of various hues. My paternal grandfather looks mainly of African descent. My paternal grandmother looks mainly of European descent. My maternal grandparents had similar differing looks. My complexion and features are an amalgation of this background. It makes me who I am today, even though both my parents and grandparents married Puerto Ricans. With that background, I hope you can understand that, although I do not characterize myself as interracial, some of my experiences growing up as a child and even now, reflects that interracial heritage and is similar to experiences of interracial children.

Second, I too lived in a predominately white neighborhood when I grew up in Los Angeles, where the few Latinos who lived there were Mexican-Americans, but where few if any Puerto Ricans lived. The only other Puerto Ricans I knew were my own family members. We did not associate with other Puerto Ricans because my mother did not have any Puerto Ricans friends. My cousins were mixed. My cousins who were part-Mexican and part Puerto Rican considered themselves Puerto Ricans. My cousins who were part African-American and part-Puerto Rican only considered themselves African-American. Being from both Puerto Rican parents, I naturally considered myself Puerto Rican, although I did not know what that culturally meant.

However, everyone around me never saw Puerto Ricans before and naturally assumed I was part African-American and white. Often, people would ask me what I was because I did not act stereotypically black. In fact, even African-American kids would ask why did I ate Spanish foods because I was "black" in their eyes. The Mexicans, looking at my pigmentation, assumed I was black. To most whites, I was just black. The point is that most people will be ignorant of your son's interracial background. Their responses may depend on where you live. In a large metropolitan area like Los Angeles, some people will be curious because of your son's looks, knowing that their are numerous cultures in the city. These people may be accepting of your son's interracial heritage and are merely asking to show their interest. There is nothing to be concerned about if this is their intent. In small cities, for example in the midwest, they may be more reluctant and hesitate about interracial cultures or feel uneasy about being around minorities. Questions directed at your son may be a reflection of that uneasiness. Because you did not say where you live or what specific comments are being made to your son, it is difficult to ascertain whether the comments are truly made out of spite or if they are innocent comments taken the wrong way because of sensitivity of the topic to you or your son.

Third, you should teach your son that no matter where he lives, people may consider him different in a majority white culture, even if he was not mixed. You should not feel ashamed about being part Puerto Rican and teach your son, by example, not to be ashamed as well. Don't make the mistake that my mother did and refuse to teach her kids Spanish. This only robs him of his cultural identity when he gets older and prevents him from feeling and being close to other Puerto Ricans or Hispanics. You should continue to speak to him in Spanish. If he gets upset, simply explain to him that, although he may regret it now, when he gets older, he will thank you for it. You should also teach your son about how his Puerto Rican heritage is mixed as I described earlier. You may want to also purchase some books about Puerto Rico or go to the library to explain to him through pictures how Puerto Ricans look different even among themselves. You should also try to get involved with other Puerto Ricans so that he can see how their are other people who look like him. The first time I saw another Puerto Rican besides my family was when I was 25 years old. Being in Puerto Rico and seeing people who looked like me was a great sense of relief. If I had been around Puerto Ricans earlier, perhaps, my insecurities about this topic would have been eased alot earlier. Perhaps find out if there are other Puerto Ricans in your city and if there are any cultural centers where your son can meet elderly Puerto Ricans who are proud of his culture and can share that pride with him. There may also be an annual Puerto Rican festival as well. The point is to continue showing interest in your Puerto Rican culture and maybe your son will come around.

You should also teach him about his African-American culture as well. As I stated earlier, most African-Americans will probably consider your son only African-American and may be perplexed by any desire of his to express his Puerto Rican culture. You did not express what your husband (the step-father) feels about your son's mixed heritage. He may be apathetic toward it and believe that your son is only black. This maybe true even of your son's own biological father. If true, your son may take clues from these men and feel ashamed that he is Puerto Rican. You may want to sit down with your husband and explain to him the importance of your Puerto Rican culture to you and that you would like to impart that to your son. Under ideal circumstances you should have talked to him about that before the marriage.

Your Puerto Rican culture is obviously important to you because you took the time to teach your son Spanish as his first language. Your husband should be willing to accept this and be supportive. Of course, you should include him in participating in any Puerto Rican events you go to so that he does not feel left out or that you think less of your African-American Culture. And you should understand his initial uncomfortableness. The idea is to have an open-dialogue with your husband so that both of you will be able to share any uncomfortable feelings you have as you continue to raise your son. If he decides that he would rather be an obstacle in this endeavor, hopefully, you can talk to him about the fact that he married an interracial person himself and that he should be more open-minded.

You should eventually teach your son to be proud of his culture that when people ask what is he that he sees this as a positive to explain his unique culture and be willing to educate people so that they can be more acceptive. Finally, as an interracial woman, you probably know that when your son gets older, this will impact his dating, especially if he is in a predominately white community. Most of the women he sees on a daily basis at school will probably be white. Eventually, he may become attractive to white women because he sees them so often. Although I don't think there is anything wrong with that, the problem may arise because most of the white women will mainly see other white males around them and will primarily be attracted to white men. Some women (and their parents) will be willing to accept him in a romantic way, but not all. By preparing him early about this fact, you may be saving him so much heartache as he deals with potential rejection from these women. You can also let him know that women of all races can be attractive and that he should not discount a woman because of her race or feel the need to date a caucasian woman because he primarily sees them. Luckily, there are a lot of interracial relationships, which were not as prevalent when I was younger. Your son will one day benefit from that acceptance in society. Who knows, when he gets older he probably won't mind when certain women will ask him what he is because that may be just a way the break the ice. In a couple of years, you will see that difference.

Hopefully, this helps.

Nachos.

[chola927]

Thanks a lot Nachos,
Believe it or not,you've helped us more than you know. I read your letter to my son and he actually listened. It's been more difficult growing up interracial than you know. Don't get me wrong , I am more than proud to be Boricua,it's just that living around some of my family, and in-laws, it's a lot harder for me to show that pride to my son and to other people.
You're right about the fact that my heritage shows in the way I cook, what I eat ,the way I talk and the music I listen to(Marc Anthony ).My husband is supportive of my heritage, in fact he thinks I should try to find more puertoricans to associate with because it would make me feel more comfortable .I will try not to be so sensitive about what people say, especially when it comes to my son.We both have the tan skin tone. Our appearance is pretty much true to form.Most other puertoricans can tell what we are, it's just other people who occasionally stare or think we're just black. Like you, when I was growing up, there were people who thought that I was half black andhalf white.By the way, we live in Norfolk,Va., Navy town.I will
be talking to my son about his puertorican heritage. I have a lot more to learn myself. I haven't had much exposure to my own culture either, but I'll do what you said and see if it helps.
Thanks for everything!