Looking for women

[Lorelei]

Wow, that must have been a shock, especially knowing that they had just renewed their vows in church. I hate to jump to conclusions and say it's another woman. It might be. It also might be that there was some dissatisfaction all along. In your parent's relationship, who would you say was the stronger personality? Was it your mother? If so, the renewal of vows might have been your mother's idea. Maybe your father just went along to make her happy or even worse to keep the peace. But, maybe he also one day looked around and said to himself, "I'm not happy here. I waited til my kids were old enough. Now I'm leaving." I think he owes you the truth, seeing as you're old enough to handle it.

I have a friend whose parents divorced when she was an adult. She said it was still hard on her. No one saw it coming. They had always been a conservative Christian family, and then one day the mother fell in love with a carpenter that had been doing some work around the house. My friend blames it on her mother's menopause. I think, her mother had probably been dissatisfied all along and was waiting for a good reason to leave, and the reason happened to come by to fix the cabinets.

Well, Kazam. I don't know what to say to encourage you in this time. Life goes on for you. Continue to do the things that you enjoy. But also help your mother by being her support right now. She's the one that's hurting the most through all this. Even if your father was unhappy, he should have talked to her about it and said, "Let's get some counseling. We need to fix this relationship." But I know many times too much pride is involved for people to seek help.

[Kazam]

He did tell me, you guys are old now and i just have to go, but why would he go on with vows if he knew he was leaving. We took pictures and everything and now i feel my mother has them just for bad memoriws even though they have been together for so many years. To make things worse Im in college now, my first year and i really needed his support.. I want to leave home but i cant leave my mother all alone like that. Im scared that something could happen to her in this neighborhood. But I still got to move on.. Just last month I told my mother that im going to get my own appartment,, she tells me good vete nene. but i can tell that she doesnt want me to go. You think i should go or stay? Ill visit her all the time if i go because shes my mother but her security is what concerns me.

[Lorelei]

Man that really stinks. You know when people do stuff like this, they don't even have a clue how they effect everybody else's lives.

He thinks you'll all go on with your life, but he's changed the entire family dynamics. And what he's done will forever effect you guys. Your whole perception of him has changed. Whereas you once probably thought you had a solid family, now you're thinking, "How many other of my perceptions are wrong? Maybe there are no good marriages out there. People just stay together because for one reason or another they can't split up."

But marriage is a good institution. My marriage has had its ups and downs. There were times when I hated my husband, and he probably hated me. But we stuck it out. Because we took our vows seriously.

I used to look at my husband and sometimes I thought I could find someone else who was more compatible. We married so young; we changed in opposite directions. Soon we didn't have so much in common. But now, I see a man who is made of strong moral fiber. I see a man who has stood beside me in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer, we've gone through so much with our kids. I couldn't leave him now. I love the man he is. Even if I like to read, and he likes t.v. I love music, he could take it or leave it. I couldn't have with another man, what we have now. It would take another 23 years to build this.

As for going on with your plans. I can't tell you what to do. I don't know how bad your neighborhood is. Does your mother have support from her neighbors? I mean, you wouldn't be there to protect her all the time even if you still lived there. Are you the only child? I don't know how independent your mother is, but I think if it were me, I wouldn't want my child to change his plans. I think she might think the same, because she told you to go ahead. If you call her all the time and spend a little more time with her than you normally do, maybe that will be enough. But do keep an eye on her. If she looks like she's getting depressed, get her some help. Are you guys involved in church? Some churches have divorce recovery groups/workshops. Help her find the resources. And then move ahead cautiously.

As for getting support from you Dad. He's still your Dad. Whatever you expected from him before, maybe you can still get that from him now. Try not to take sides, even though it looks like your father is at fault. If you worry about looking like you're betraying your mother, talk to her about it. Tell her, "I love you Mom. I hate what Dad did to you, but he's still my father. I still need him. So please don't feel bad if I still communicate with him.

Well I've written a book, maybe given you more than you wanted to know. Told you I could talk.

[Kazam]

Hey whats up. Thank you for some good advise and talk .. some things i hold in so long and i dont talk about them in person.. this is one of those things. I really appreciate the feedback. My mother comes from a real religious family and she does get help at the church maybe I should calm down and not worry so much.. I know she's a strong lady. I have a brother and two sisters. My younger sister is here with us but she's always out partying with her googly eyed freinds(if you know what I mean). I sometimes feel that I have a responsibility to watch over my mother because now I am considered the only man of the house. I guess thats the way I was raised to think because I feel that way. I know that my Parents relationship somewhat is affecting me because I noticed that the last two years I've been pushing away relationship... Even some intelagent beutiful girls. Before they broke up I was in relationships.. good ones too. I sometimes think that I lost my confidense in trying to start one because in the end I might get hurt. But inside I know this and I still don't have the power to ask a girl on a date. Its like Im scared to.. before I used ask like it was nothing.. It was so easy before. I gotta work on that. I gotta go now PEACE and thanks again.

[Lorelei]

Hey! You know, your parents did a great job with you. They should both be proud. I think it's natural what you're feeling about relationships right now. But give yourself time to process this thing. In the meantime, don't isolate yourself. Spend time with your friends, family, extended family. People who make you feel comfortable. When I said your father's leaving will forever effect you, I mostly meant it will always be a sad part of your life, and it will make you more cautious.

But it doesn't mean that you won't be able to have a good marriage when the time comes. This event is one year in your 22 years. The happy years you had WERE real. Your parents did love each other, and I have a feeling even though your Dad left, there is a part that still loves your Mom, but for some reason--he had to go.

Just try to learn from your father's mistake. One day, when you meet Ms. Right, and you decide she's the one you want to marry. Talk to her. Promise each other that if things start to go wrong in the marriage that you'll do whatever it takes to set it right again, even if that means counseling. There are so many resources out there to help marriages. Most marriages that fail it's because people are too lazy to do the work.

My husband and I went to a marriage encounter weekends that really enriched our marriage. The first time we went to one, we'd been married 17 years. And you know we learned things about each other that we never knew? A good marriage is not instinctive, there are things you can learn from others that will help.

As for your sister, she has a responsibility to help support your mom at this time too. It doesn't mean she has to stop going out with her (googly-eyed) friends, but maybe not as much for now. She should be a little more available for your Mom. As for your other grown sister and brother--if they still live in town, they need to do their part too. This thing is NOT ALL your responsibility alone. Your mother would not want you to feel that.

At the same time, go with your gut. If you strongly feel that you need to stick around a little longer and your decision to do that gives you a feeling of peace. Then maybe that's what you do.

In the end you live with that decision. Ask yourself what you lose. Do you just delay your plans for a year? Does that change your long-term goals?

Someone said "Life happens when you're making other plans." It's so true. Your long-term happiness hinges on what you do about the stuff that happens that makes you have to change your plans. Five years down the road, do you think you'll say, "I regret sticking around for my Mom another year during the divorce" or will you say, "I regret not going out on my own when I wanted to."

Take care.