I want to improve my English...

[Suki]

Stanley,
I never was 'accepted' by burgueses in Puerto Rico or anywhere else. They know who they are. And I wasn't one of them. It was obvious to me. Lol. And I was not interested in being one of them either. Dust to dust. None of us are 'better' than someone else. We are all going to the same place. Remember that thread on God we talked about some things. It was interesting.

When I get my children I will be curious as to many childrearing questions. I got to go. Bye

Suki.

[Stanley]

Ed:

I really don't know what to believe. I don't have a clue about where Suki went wrong with you. She sounds like a broken disc telling you how great you are and you keep rejecting her. It is bizarre and threr must be a whole lot more to this. In any event you have caused a profound impression on Suki that IMO goes beyond a mentor student relationship.

Suki has denied that she met you in the other forum. Do you think you could be wrong about that one?

From time to time I have also noted that she is VERY friendly and outgoing with other independentistas like Guali. It seems she enjoys fellowship with those who think like her.

Why are you so concerned with her Hindu religion? Yeah----------------- I adviced her to switch religions, but deep inside you know I was kidding. I really do not care about the religious convictions of others as long as they are not irrational about it. She seems fairly rational about it, however, her ability to take rejection from you in such a positive manner may be considered pathologic by others.

Once again she has said goodbye to you. Perhaps this will be the last time, but I doubt it. I think she is truly fascinated by you and cannot stay away.

To be honest I feel compelled to help if there is some sort of emotional turnmoil with her------ or with you if that is the case. At one point in your post I thought you were jealous .

I also wonder if there is the chance that you don't want a very close internet relationship. If that is the case I don't blame you. A couple of years ago I was cruising the net and came upon one of those sites for folks with emotional problems of all kinds. I posted a couple of things in the bulletin board which were quite different in relationship to the lame advice everybody else was given away. Before not to long one of the forum members befriended me and followed me around in the forum. At this point I sort of became a "Mr. Ann Landers" and was dishing advice left and right and gain quite a reputation for been someone who was reliable and not messed up. In any event this young woman asked to email me and I agreed. Then I noted that her email persona was a little bit more to the point than on the forum and full of sexual overtones as she spilled her guts to me about every little detail of her life. This is where as a scorpio I made a crucial mistake and flirted with her (in an inocent manner of course). Then one day out of the blue she called me at work. From my email address she was able to find out whom I was and got both my home and business phone numbers. Then I started to received presents at my office and I realized this woman was becoming VERY friendly. My secretary told me--"it seems you have an admirer". I had made the mistake of posting a picture of myself in my 20s and she thought I was a younger guy. I told her my real age and then out of the blue she said her husband was older than me and it would be no problem. A couple of days later she emailed me a very sexy photo with no clothes on------------ I am a scorpio so I was moved. However, I adviced her that the relationship was too personal and inappropriate. She became more interested as I told her I could not be unfaithful to my wife. To be honest-- this turned her on even more. She then told me she was traveling from San Diego to Maryland to meet me. I was petrified and ran to my wife and spilled my guts. My wife went nuts, but at the same time was calm. She tracked the women down and told her off. I was relieved, but for several months we kept getting phone calls and eventually had to change the number. I also returned all the presents including relatively expensive ties and pictures of herself. This is why I try to say as private as possible. Perhaps you feel the same way about SUki. Was her email communication any different?

Regarding Hombre Pava: Perhaps he is a young and trying to define whom he really is. Maybe that is why he searches and changes accordingly.

[Suki]

Stan,
That was an interesting post. Very honest. No, I respect people's boundaries. Eddie has made it crystal clear. He thinks me someone else. Won't accept I am just a regular Suki on the philosophy thread. And who can blame the man? So many strange people on the internet. That is how Ecuajey had to find out I was not weird. He found out only after the relationship was ruined beyond redemption, that I was a legitimate decent person. But once you go a certain place Stan. Aint no turning back. Ed has gone there today. I hold no problems or negativity. Just good bye and detachment. This medium is awfully strange. Don't really know who people are.

He has my respect for taking the time to help me with my mother's illness and be a good person. He has my respect for the time he has taken explaining philosophy to me and politics as well. He does not know I am just Vida and not some person whom he has associated with persecuting him.

It is too late now Stanley. It is too late. One has to be grateful for good experiences. And Stanley don't be no Ann Landers. It aint good. Lol.

Suki.

[Stanley]

That is how Ecuajey had to find out I was not weird. He found out only after the relationship was ruined beyond redemption, that I was a legitimate decent person.

What!!!!!!! Why would anyone think you are weird?--------- you sound pretty nice. Sure, you have a little glitch in your system and became a socialist, but you don't have a bad bone in you. I don't get this negativity thing

But once you go a certain place Stan. Aint no turning back. Ed has gone there today. I hold no problems or negativity. Just good bye and detachment. This medium is awfully strange. Don't really know who people are.

Ed acts like a betrayed man, but he is too proud to exactly tell you why he is wounded. He skirts around the issue and talks about your tendencies to be a burguesita. However, that is not the reason he is upset. At some point you must have driven a dagger thru his heart and it still hurts. He sees you as a ruthless woman who would go for the kill at any time. He appears to know a side of you that I have never seen on this forum. I wonder about how you communicated with him by email.

[Eddier1]

Ed acts like a betrayed man, but he is too proud to exactly tell you why he is wounded. He skirts around the issue and talks about your tendencies to be a burguesita. However, that is not the reason he is upset. At some point you must have driven a dagger thru his heart and it still hurts. He sees you as a ruthless woman who would go for the kill at any time. He appears to know a side of you that I have never seen on this forum. I wonder about how you communicated with him by email.

[/b][/quote]

Stan, I think of you now as a Big Bro, and you really proved by your insight stated above. Great call on this problem I have with Suki. It exactly diagnosises the issue that led to the problem. It WAS a dagger thru the heart. You, see Suki forgets things, well alright, but never to laud herself on the talents and "virtues" she believes she has. If she really had them she wouldn't have to be telling us incessantly about them herself. Others would take note, and make known such qualities. But not even her MOther or her Husband have ever come on this board to laud Suki. Quite the contrary, her Mother has rebuked her and spoken critically of her words and actions, trying to correct her. Suki, just ignores all this, and lives in a fantasy world of her own making. How weak of her to refer to her little nieto or godson, who read about her long walks, and didn't agree with what I wrote. What does a child know about the depths of political assessments and ideologies, which often are so convoluted that even a spin doctor in politics can't understand them? But that is typical of Suki to conveniently use others, even children, to bolster her image in a political battle. And typical of her also how she conveniently forgets that she wrote what she did on AOL once. But take note she does not deny the incident of threatening the life of her grandfather, it was too traumatic an event, and she would go completely bonkers if she did that. So she ascribes it to the pressures of the FBI on her when she was "sweet" 16, and on the pressures the political police placed on her family, mostly her Mom.
But to clarify to you the incident in which she drove the dagger thru me, your astuteness deserves to know. It was after Suki had lambasted me on my reluctance to trust anyone, and only to accept love on an intellectual level of AGAPE, which I still have for all who participate in our communal mind-set as commies; indeed that would extend to the People of the World who in the depths of their hearts are communists, and from whom all things are on loan to us.
The incident spun out of an illness I had when a child of three years of age; it was Infantile Paralysis which was treated by the IRon Lung in the famous clinic of Dr. Klenner in North Carolina, to which I had been sent from my home. Then later I was transferred to the Shriner Hospital in Philly for more treatments to try to correct the crippling effects upon my body. They used torturous devices to correct twisted limbs and backs, and since I had the most sever case of Lumbar Bulgar, such treatments were mandated at that time. Well after, those gruelling treatments I was sent home, and still was confined to bed, since I was still touch and go as to being a survivor. Well now, what Suki said, somehow got me to recall all of this terrible time in my life, and somehow it weakened my resolve never to trust anyone later in life, but to have agape for them on the highest ground I could, so I thought let me put my resolve to the test. And so I told Suki of how when I was lying still desperately ill, a friend visited my family and came to see me, and he brought with him the ole portable wind-up Victrola, you know that one that the Beagle sits and stares into the speaker, the famous logo of the RCA company. Well he brought a 78 rpm recording of Devork's 8th symphony, the one with the famous fanfare in it. And since I had never heard classical music before, he offered to play it, and did. Well I was so uplifted and enthralled by that music, that when it finished, I turned to the Good Samaritan and said "You know if I die now, it has been worth living just to hear that music." And he looked at me and my family, and said "Out of the mouth of babes comes wisdom". So I related this to Suki and Raul in the Philosophy forum; and Suki wrote back a potshot, a terrible one, about how I could have had that experience, and yet be so "dirty" in the Politics forum with my opponents! Right then and there I knew my position of never trusting anyone was the right thing to do; and of course the dagger went through my heart, on one of the most precious and life saving experiences in my life. And she showed me what a "CRUEL CLOD", she was that could be so insensitive to what I had revealed. So there, Stan, you have the proof that your assessment of the situation of the "dagger thru the hear" is 100% true. Let Suki say what she will, and trim, hem, and haw all she wants, but she will NEVER change my impression of what she really is. Laud herself all she wants; she got terrible issues in her mind and life, no cabe duda!

[Stanley]

Ed:

You have gone thru a lot, no doubt. Polio was a biggy back them, I was lucky enough to be a kid when they came up with a vaccine. A serious illness during childhood can be a devastating thing and only the strong overcome such obstacle. In fact many great personalities in world history had to overcome a serious illness during childhood.

It seems that the stinger was clearly NOT indicated and in poor taste. You were talking about been seriously ill as a child and how you were uplifted by the music that played. This was probably a huge moment in your life and it developed at a time you needed that sort of support. Within this context it was in appropriate to launch a stinger or a pot shot. It is clear that you could also tell there was malice behind her words and I can see why it hurts. You were opening your heart for the 1st time to Suki and she hurled an unexpected attack. I guess her statement simply came in the worst time.

Early on Suki and Yautia were a little rough when replying to my posts, but I was able to whether the remarks because I was in a completely different situation than you. I was not wearing my heart outside my chest and had convinced myself not to take any of this at a personal level. However, if I had given my heart I would not want to be in the receiving end of a nasty stinger. This reminds me of another tune by one of my heroes----- John Lennon------- the guy who wrote the commie anthem Imagine. This is a song about a man who had a dagger thru his heart in the past.


If I Fell

If I fell in love with you would you promise to be true,
And help me understand?
‘Cos I’ve been in love before, and I found that love was more,
Than just holding hands,

If I give my heart to you,
I must be sure from the very start,
That you would love me more than her.
If I trust in you, of please,
Don’t run and hide,
If I love you too, oh please don’t hurt my pride like her.
‘Cos I couldn’t stand the pain,
And I would be sad if our new love was in vain.
So I hope you see,
That I would love to love you,
And that she will cry when she learns we are two.
‘Cos I couldn’t stand the pain,
And I would be sad if our new love was in vain.
So I hope you see,
That I would love to love you,
And that she will cry when she learns we are two.
If I fell in love with you.

[Suki]

I wish I would have known so much about Eddie's feelings from the very beginning. Maybe this irremediable situation could have been avoided all together if I had known he felt initial trust toward me in an emotional sense. I truly did not know he felt that way. Eddie has very private emotions. And I never knew or still know what he feels the majority of the time. In that sense he has been a mystery to me. Just as I have been to him, I guess. I thought and believed his premise that he did not believe in love or trust for two years. And he emphatically stated NO LOVE and NO trust. "I trust no one." he told me. I accepted that. It never occurred to me he trusted me in some emotional sense. The thread in which all that occurred about his revealing his childhood polio and I offending him is in Human Emotion started by Raul g in august 2001. Read it Stanley. Once I found out I had deeply offended him, I was SOOO sorry. I felt so bad. I felt like excrement. How horribly regretful that whole incident was. My original reply I mentioned how he had such fire like my husband did, that emotional beauty is what I saw in his confession. I mentioned the politics that was a big mistake apparently because he saw it as 'trashing' his pain and suffering. God, if I had known the whole background of his childhood illnesses and the way he felt and how special his revelation of that was, from such a deeply private man like him. I would have treated it with delicate gossamer gloves and absolute love. Like it deserved. I was an INSENSITIVE clod. True in that sense he is right. I have made so many mistakes with Eddie Stanley. He is hard to understand emotionally. He keeps it all so private. And I am not good at figuring people out without looking at their faces, and or hearing tones in the voice. And this medium removes so much of it. The non-verbal indicators. It makes misunderstandings so easy. I know he thinks I am some person from AOL he mentioned it in our emails, and I was confused. I did not know what he was talking about. Cuz I never joined the AOL forums. The only forums I have ever written on the internet have been VCI country sites. These sites. I don't know why I have never explored other forums. Never. Just never had an interest. Enough nice Puerto Ricans here and other nationalities to keep me interested in staying for two years. And if that person had a different writing style than I, according to Eddie. I think he should know it was not me. That is the truth. He will choose to believe otherwise. I can't control that. I never can control what people choose to believe.

There are parts of my life I would never talk about. I have become so personal on this forum, which is public and should never be used for such things. I had no business writing about Eddie's emotional things (private things) in any of these forums. It was so morally wrong and so stupid. I don't blame him if he thinks me some femme fatale ruthless and all the rest. That is why I have no anger towards his rejection Stanley. I realize I have wronged the man in the sense of not being intelligent and emotionally intuitive and bright enough to have seen his emotionally subtleties. He has so many, I did not perceive it for such a long time. Again, he is private. And who can blame him? To be hurt by people. He is such a strong guy. One can easily make the mistake he does not have feelings. He does. And that is why at the end of that general personals post I said to him, that little bit of soul I saw was spectacularly beautiful and to let it shine. Cuz his emotional self is about the loveliest I have ever seen in my life. And it is my just punishment, that I will be hermetically sealed from seeing it ever again.

I have irreparably damaged this relationship Stanley. One in which I should have never done many things. The only thing left is to ask him to see if he has enough forgiveness in his heart, for this foolish, and cloddish person known as Suki. If he can't I understand. And I will not speak to him ever again. And I think there is not much more to say about it. My mother shall post if she can. She is very ill right now. But, I am optimistic she will get better. I won't post for a long time. I am deeply regretful for all these lacks. You know, I once told him hard critica is what is needed to grow. And he has given me a hard one today. I always thought I was perceptive of human beings. Now, I realize the one that most counted for me, I have not been just with. I was a clod. He deserves so much El Eddie. I wanted to give that to him. I did an awful job it seems. Well, he can tell me once and for all if he is willing to forgive me or not? If he does not, I will not address him again. I won't ever disturb whatever he is doing in here. Guardar distancia. If he forgives me. I will leave this board for a good while. And only come back after I think I can write something meaningful again.

One should not take all these boards and internet stuff with this kind of personalism Stanley. You learned that expensive lesson with that woman who nearly ruined your marriage. And I am learning how important it is to be circumspect and non-personal and respectful of emotional distance by losing this very bright man as an internet acquaintance.

I have to go now. Take care Stanley. You have been a support for Eddie. And that is positive. I have ruined it all. All the relationship. And Eddie is smart, he said things to make sure I understood. And he did the moral thing. He always does. Recognizing when one is wrong is important. I was wrong on how I dealt with Eddie's emotions and with his sense of personhood. Stanley. I am a woman who listens. If the man says he don't want to forgive me. Wants no part of any kind of communication at all. That is all she wrote. Literally. I won't ever disturb him. Se lo prometo. Es mas paz total le dare.





Suki.

[Edited by Suki on 24th July 2003 at 01:36]