" In-flight Humor"

[Rajkumar]

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-
flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more
entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or
reported:

1. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to
leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

2. Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I
am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as
you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit
cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight
pattern."

3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We
hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed
taking you for a ride."

4. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab
into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other
seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably
shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden
loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling.
Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you
have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small
children, decide now which one you love more."

5. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of
an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

6. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among
the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

7. "Last one off the plane must clean it."

8. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to
have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."

9. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight
attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please
remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought
the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once
the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll
open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the
terminal."