What Should I Do?

[dulce-sabor11]

HOLA AMIGOS....WELL I NEED SOME HELP!!..I HAVE BEEN FRIENDS WITH A GUY FOR ABOUT 6 YEARS AND HE HAS LIKED ME FOR A COUPLE OF THEM...HE HAS BEEN TELLLING ME HOW HE WANTS ME TO GIVE HIM A CHANCE BUT I ALWAYS SAY NO..UNTIL ONE DAY I WROTE HIM A LETTER TELLING HIM HOW I THINK HE IS A GREAT GUY AND THAT HE IS EVERYTHING I LOOK FOR...UNFORTUNATELY AS SOON AS I SENT THE LETTER I CHANGED MY MIND...I THINK HE IS GREAT BUT I DON'T THINK I WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM....HE IS COMING TO SEE ME THIS WEEK AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TELL HIM THAT I ONLY WANT TO BE FRIENDS..HE HAS BEEN THINKING I WANT MORE FOR THAT PAST COUPLE OF MONTHS..AND NOW HE IS COMING..I FEEL REALLY BAD AND I DON'T WANT HIM TO THINK THAT I'M PLAYING WITH HIM...PLEASE HELP ME WHAT SHOULD I DO????...SHOULD I TELL HIM HOW I FEEL OR SHOULD I GIVE HIM A CHANCE????
SINCERELY,
THE CONFUSED ONE...

[tiana]

Vague.

[Italia_Lena]

Sounds to me like you are playing with his feelings. Maybe not intentionally but you are doing it. You wrote a letter to him telling him you wanted to give him a chance & than you all of sudden changed your mind? Something doesn't sound right. Tiana said "vague". I agree!

You really haven't shared many specifics of this 6 year friendship with him.

In my very own personal opinion, if he has been your friend for 6 years and you haven't felt "any other way" about him, than why did you write that letter?

Bottom line: I THINK YOU NEED TO BE UP FRONT AND HONEST WITH HIM, TELLING HIM THE TRUTH BEFORE HE EVEN COMES TO SEE YOU. Can't you call him or email him and let him know you don't feel the same way he does? It is better to tell him now, than to keep leading him on and hurting his feelings. You may lose your entire friendship over it!

[nachos1965]

You wrote: "HE HAS BEEN THINKING I WANT MORE FOR THAT PAST COUPLE OF MONTHS..AND NOW HE IS COMING.."

Couple of months!!! What have you been doing/saying since you first wrote the letter? You mean during the past several months you never told him you changed your mind. How come? What did you say to him when you guys spoke about being in a relationship? I am sure you spoke about it, otherwise, you would not have stated that he had thoughts about a relationship with you for a couple of months now. If you haven't mentioned it to him, why not? Do you like the attention he is giving you? If you haven't spoken at all since the letter, why didn't you write another letter explaining why you changed your mind? It is better to have done that then to have him come visit you with the expectation that there would be something more, only to have that crushed when he visits you. At least, by a letter, away from your presence, he could have felt bad about it and pretend to you that it didn't bother him. He could have "saved face" this way. Or, if he really did care, then he could have dealt with his hurt feelings, expressed them to you when he settled down in a cogent way. Now when you tell him face to face (and you must tell him), then he will have to deal with hurt feelings in front of you. This may put additional strain on your friendship.

Nachos.

[Edited by nachos1965 on 26th June 2002 at 02:03]

[dulce-sabor11]

WHAT CAN I SAY I'M A LOOSER...I DIDN'T WANT TO SAY ANYTHING TO HIM OVER THE PHONE I WANTED TO TELL HIM FACE TO FACE..I WAS ALSO HOPING I WOULD CHANGE MY MIND AGAIN....WE NEVER TALKED ABOUT IT AGAIN AFTER HE READ MY LETTER....SO I FIGURED HE WOULD CHANGE HIS MIND TOo...BUT HE DIDN'T..AND NOW HE COMES TOMORROW TO NY AND I MIGHT SEE HIM FRIDAY AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO...I FEEL REALLY REALLY BAD.....AND I AM SOOO DEPPRESED BECAUSE OF IT...IT'S MY FAULT AND NOW I'M GOING TO HAVE TO FACE MY IMATURITY FOR NOT CONSIDERING OTHERS FEELINGS....I THINK I MIGHT LOOSE THE FRIENDSHIP TOO BUT WHAT ELSE CAN I DO......I GOT MYSELF INTO THIS I MUST GET OUT OF IT THE BEST WAY I CAN.....EVEN IF I COME OUT LOOKING LIKE A LOOSER.......THANKS FOR ALL YOUR ADVICE...

[Italia_Lena]

It sounds to me like you are playing games not only with him, but with yourself. You made the statement that you were hoping you would change your mind. If you really wanted to change your mind and be with him in an intimate relationship, you would have changed it. Hoping that your mind would change sounds absurd, almost as if you were hoping someone else would do it for you!

You sound young, and very confused...and you also sound like your leaving a lot out of the story. How did you meet this guy? How far away does he live? What makes him a great friend, but not a guy you'd want to be with in a serious intimate relationship? What are your REAL FEELINGS? It seems like you are lying to yourself and trying to convince others that the way you feel is real, when it really isn't real at all!

[dulce-sabor11]

I DON'T THINK I'M PLAYING GAMES WITH HIM OR MYSELF...I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT...I AM THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO WANTS SOMETHING TODAY AND TOMORROW I WANT SOMETHING DIFFERENT...I MET THIS GUY IN HS...WE WENT TO THE SAME SCHOOL....AFTER WE GRADUATED HE LEFT TO THE ARMY....AND HE STARTED WRITING TO ME...THEN DURING HIS BREAKS WE WOULD HANG OUT TOGETHER AS FRIENDS...WITH SOME OF OUR OTHER HS FRIENDS...HE WOULD ALWAYS TELL ME HOW HE FELT ABOUT ME AND I WOULD ALWAYS TELL HIM THAT I JUST WANTED TO BE FRIENDS....DURING THE TIME HE WAS OVER THER I TALKED TO A COUPLE OF GUYS WHO JUST PLAYED WITH ME AND MY FEELINGS...SO THEN ONE DAY I READ ALL HIS LETTERS AND THOUGHT THAT MAYBE I SHOULD LIKE HIM CUZ HE IS REALLY NICE TO ME AND HE RESPECTS ME...DURING THIS TIME HE HAD BEEN ACTING VERY DISTANT FROM ME, HE WAS CHANGING THE WAY HE HAD ALWAYS BEEN WITH ME....HE WAS ACTING LIKE HE DIDN'T WANT TO WRITE TO ME..SO I SENT HIM A LETTER ASKING HIM WHAT WAS GOING ON AND HOW I THOUGHT HE WAS A NICE GUY AND THAT HE WAS WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR IN A GUY....THEN HE WORTE BACK TO ME SAYING THAT HE FELT THE SAME WAY ABOUT ME BUT HE STILL SEEMED DISTANT SO I SENT HIM A LETTER BACK SAYING THAT I GOT HIS POINT AND THAT WE ARE BETTER OFF BEING JUST FRIENDS...THEN HE CALLED ME AND SAID THAT I MISUNDERSTOOD HIS LETTER AND THAT HE STILL LIKES ME...THEN WE NEVER WROTE BACK TO EACH OTHER HE JUST CALLED ME EVERY WEEKEND....BUT WE NEVER SPOKE ABOUT IT AGAIN...WE LEFT IT LIKE THAT UNTIL NOW THAT HE IS COMING TO NY...AND HE SAID THAT I'M GOING TO BE HIS GIRL AS SOON AS HE MEETS MY DAD...AND I DON'T FEEL THE SAME WAY...AT THAT POINT I TOLD HIM THAT WE HAD TO SEE EACHOTHER AND DECIDE IF WE BOTH WANT TO START SOMETHING OR...WE HAVEN'T SEEN EACH OTHER FOR 1YEAR....AND NOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO...I DON'T WANT TO HURT HIM CUZ THAT WAS NOT MY INTENTION AT ALL...DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHERE I'M COMING FROM AND WHY I DIDN'T TELL HIM OVER THE PHONE OR ANOTHER LETTER.....??