Que creen uds?

[lacoctel]

Hola.

First in terms of the marriage thing, well been there done that. I am divorced. I have dated since my divorce and there are lots of jerks out there, a lot worse than ex-man. Some you have nothing in common with, others you have stuff in common with, maybe a lot of stuff in common, but they are jerks and liars in terms of the romance thing.

So I have lost my patience in many ways. I have enough to do in terms of motherhood and career.

Pero... Desde casi un ano, conoci un papi chulo! I didn't realize how much of a papi chulo he was when I first ran into him at the university I go to. Like many professors, I simply admired his teaching style, and simply thought he was possibly more stylish than others, and not bad looking.

After a friend introduced us and we chatted for a brief 5 minutes or so, surprisingly and what seemed to me like out of the blue, he extended a kind of formal invitation in terms of a professional opportunity where he is from. He was a visiting professor.

So I was busy at that time, and I wasn't sure, but somehow I knew, I had this weird feeling I was sooner or later going to take him up on this opportunity. I did finally. And then when I saw him again like months and months later, I was totally taken aback, something struck me that very moment I saw him again. [Could it have been a cupid arrow?]

His face turned kind of red and he smiled real big and I felt myself blushing too. We chatted for hours.
And everyday we worked together we were all excited when I would walk in the door to his office, all smiles, abrazos y besos! But I kept things professional and he tried to, but always came out with a few 'piropos' about this or that. I would just smile or say thanks.

As mentioned I did my best to keep things professional, plus I really respect him and would never want to come off like una mujer 'facil.' And as the days went on, I figured out that he does have some other deep and complex obligations, plus we live pretty far away from each other.

But the night before I left he told me in a sincere way how he wants me to come back, but this time for several months to help him again. And he sort of made what I think was an indication as to it possibly being something more than just professional, he said with a big smile 'but this time I would need a lot more help and it would be a very very special project that we would have to be involved with for many hours every day!'

But I think how his other obligations could cause us both pain and problems. I am so happy to have met someone as wonderful as him because he is very well educated, extremely bright, has done a lot of good work and traveled a lot, and is also very humble and respectful. He has a lovely heart and he is an age I consider perfect for me, not too much younger and not too much older. He is like 6 or 7 years older.

Entonces, I don't think I have ever had the occasion to feel so happy about someone. To have so much in common, admire someone so much, and feel so good around them, and also be admired and respected by them. This is one of the few times someone makes me say and feel like WOW!

Back around here at home, I haven't met anyone anything like him and doubt in this rat race that I ever will. Plus it seems like professional people in the U.S. are so like afraid of each other. I don't know if its the copetitiveness around here or the stress or both???

Anyway, I know he has these other obligations and we live so far. But it is to the point where I just love him for who he is in an unconditional way and am so thankful for the opportunity to know him.

And I am happy I now know how it feels to meet someone you like everything about and their presencia just makes you feel so good. I am to the point now that I have learned that many of us mujeres just want to be with someone, if it's someone that is just 'ok' but doesn't quite make us say WOW, but makes us feel 'mas o menos' that then that is ok because it's like 'mejor que nada,' but I am so glad that now I know how I someone should make me feel.

But getting back to this papi chulo o 'papi maximo' I just love him too much and know he is too special to me to go ahead and get something started up that will eventually, because his other obligations, hurt us both.

We have never been together physically, but in my heart we have been together that way hundreds of times, and maybe it will just have to stay in my heart.

But I am fine with that.

Espero que algunas de uds entienden
where I'm coming from, oiste?

Chao

[Italia_Lena]

Wow! If that was someone I found...I certainly would not let go of it! Of course the fear of being hurt would be in your mind, but if we lived in fear all our life, where will it take us? Is he from Puerto Rico? I am not sure if you just wanted to vent or if you posted this to get advice. My advice to you if you choose to hear it, is this: RE THINK THIS AGAIN! If he is "available" meaning not married or has a girlfriend, and the both of you feel so strongly about one another, GO FOR IT! HE COULD BE YOUR DESTINY GIRL

Italiana

[lacoctel]

Originally posted by Italia:
Wow! If that was someone I found...I certainly would not let go of it! Of course the fear of being hurt would be in your mind, but if we lived in fear all our life, where will it take us? Is he from Puerto Rico? I am not sure if you just wanted to vent or if you posted this to get advice. My advice to you if you choose to hear it, is this: RE THINK THIS AGAIN! If he is "available" meaning not married or has a girlfriend, and the both of you feel so strongly about one another, GO FOR IT! HE COULD BE YOUR DESTINY GIRL

Italiana

Gracias para tu repuesta Italiana!

Yea I sort of wanted some feedback or advice on this.

Yea he is something really really especial!
No he is not Boricua, pero el si es del Caribe. I just for now would rather not say cual pais for now, pero uno de los paises por ahi. Y el es Hispano, muy 'criollo.'

Pues Italiana, you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned the word 'available' I did mention about his 'other obligations' I just didn't know about. It is not that he was ever mentiroso and told me something like he had no other obligations. It just never came up because we live so far and were focused on speaking about professional things. But he has indicated to me the moment he first met me he felt something special. And as I mentioned, for me that first moment I just wasn't sure, I just know he seemed very interesting.

But yea we just spoke on the phone larga distancia about the professional stuff several times. And then I was there for a few weeks and each day we just seemed to get more and more excited about each other. I already knew he had some kids, but so do I and I'm not with my husband anymore. I wasn't sure about his situation. When I came out and asked in a casual way about any other obligations, he quietly nodded and confirmed that to me.

It was a very sad moment for me, and it seemed like that for him too, but I know people are human and sometimes things aren't going the way they want or they are no longer happy and someone could come along that things really click with and could really brighten up their life and make them feel happy.

But still girl, he has these other obligations and I just love and respect him too much to cause him or myself any pain. I don't think badly of him for his feelings toward me or him wanting me to come back and hang out with him on a more long term basis. I feel that comes from his heart and matters of the heart are so unexplainable and the heart is never really wrong. But we just can't always do what the heart says for other more 'earthly' reasons.

But still, that is why I say I just have to appreciate him as he is and appreciate what our hearts feel and be happy with that. I swear to God I hope I will able to just know this love and learn from it about what I need and deserve and live a better life because of it. And of course I have to 'seguir adelante,' I can't wait around for him, but I intend to just stay in touch as friends whenever we can, and if and when the day comes in some near future that he has worked out his obligations and is free, if I am also free at that time, I will totally be there for him, wherever and whenever he wants, aca o alla, porque el es mi 'papi maximo!'

Gracias Italiana and I really appreciate your feedback on this matter companera, it is something here at home I can't trust too many amigas with, they could get judgemental about this, so mejor no. I've only told a couple of members of my family who understand the complexity of this.

Cuidate! Hasta pronto!

[Leticia_g]

lacoctel,
You are in a tough predictament. I don't envy you. It must be really difficult to find someone you find a special connection with and then to realize that he is taken. I think you are doing the right thing. Especially because both of you have children. My philosophy has always been that if it feels good but it might hurt too many people then it is not good. It is better to weigh it out. If his marriage is bad and he does have strong feelings for you, he will make the move. Until then continue in your life, both for your sanity and for your child.

Leticia

[lacoctel]

Hey Leticia,

Gracias para tu repuesta.

Si tienes razon. Life is hard enough without having to get into a painful situation. My child is just a toddler, but he has kids that are mas grande y quienes entienden mas estas cuestiones y sienten mas el dolor.

No no mejor no. Like I've said all I can do is be happy to have met him and for the connection and feelings we have felt and he'll always have a rinconcito en mi corazon. I can just learn from this. Just before and shortly after my divorce I started to not even know who or what could make me happy anymore. At least I know now what can, and that there are possibilities.

What do you think? Is a lot of it just luck? I was lucky to have met him in the first place, it was sort of by chance, and I was lucky for how we felt. It was just like this cosmic vibe. Even when we met and I left the classroom that night, I walked out just before everyone else and totally felt some strange energy and some connection as I was walking out the door, but just wasn't sure what it was all about.

Then I was lucky that the feelings got really intense when we met up months later.
But I wasn't so lucky when it turned out he as taken. Darn!

I wonder also, for degreed professional Latinas who prefer Latinos, [not white men as is the case for many educated Latinas and I know those preferences are for various reasons and it's their choice, but I won't get into that], it seems it is often so difficult for us to meet a well educated professional type papi chulo who we click with and then who is an educated professional con mucho calor y corazon, not all caught up into the rat race tip, the competitiveness and greed and materialism, all that.

Lots of Latinos born or raised in the US don't even know how to saludar the mujeres anymore when they're out in public, not even just a brief friendly buenas tardes or whaaasup! I mean the 30 something and up crowd, not the muchachos, they say hey, but I'm a little bit beyond dating 23 year olds!

So what do we do??? I've about given up. And then I had the opportunity to meet this papi chuuuuloooo and he ends up being taken.

So how and where do we meet papi chulos we have things in common with? Yet I don't think love is something we can necessarily make happen, it just does. What a dilemma. But do you understand where I'm coming from in terms of it being so hard to meet someone we have things in common with, profession, education, and then the whole cosmic thing of chemistry and heart happening too.

Oh well.

[Leticia_g]

Lacoctel,
I definitely could identify with you. I was previously divorse in my twenties. Boy it seems like a lifetime ago, however when you first go through a breakup you think that life is over. Being the optimist that I am I didn't let myself feel sorry for too long. I had a child like you do, at the time my daughter was two. It was tough. Believe me, I felt sorry for any man that dated me at the time. I gave them hell. But time heals and I remember the first time I dated my present husband, the poor guy, I told him, don't even think about getting serious. Well, we been married over twenty years. Good years too. Lacoctel, there is no special formula for finding a special someone. Sometimes in the strangest situation you meet them. Unfortunately for you this man was taken. I think that when you feel this cosmic connection with someone life will work things out. I really think if you felt the way you do about him then he must have also. Give it time. Let him sort his feelings out. That will make things clear to you and him that you are not pushing the issue. Sometimes we can't help the circumstances that we meet that special person. I really don't know how I would handle the situation of dating since I have been out of circulation for so many years but I figure it must be really hard. Especially for older people. I know that I would be very selective, maybe run a credit and criminal record check on the guy!
Anyway, I guess the school system and organizations, clubs of your interest would probably be the best bet. I also am very attracted to Latino men, then again it is the connection that I feel. I am very independent like you and I know that is a problem with many Latino men. Good luck in your quest and hopefully this special man would wake up and meet you all the way.

Leticia

[lacoctel]

Letti,

Yo he leido to mensaje. Gracias.

Thanks for all the feedback. I am just curious if you are in la Nueva York, que si, felizidades que eres un Yankees fan!

Well that is some positive news for all of us 'divorcistas' that you can connect with someone after a divorce and not only connect, but even be blessed with the courage and strength to do the 'm' word again!

This is so correct how we just run into people. But it is also true it is more likely in an environment where there would be some people we have stuff in common with. I am in education, so in my advanced degree program, there was this visiting educator teaching another class, ese papi chulo!

Yep, there he was and I forgot to tell you a funny part of this story, it makes me feel the connection had to be something real, because girl, it was one of those days I went to school in sweats, hardly any makeup on at all, and I was in the middle of taking out french braids, so it was a major bad hair day -- my hair was all up and twisted and I had a kercheif around part of it! That is how I met him. Imaginate!!!

So yea I'm just going to take it easy and be happy, in the meantime focus on all this career and mom stuff. I have a presentation next thurday!

In terms of this papi chulo, yea he needs to figure stuff out and I need to just let things be.

Another thing for us both to worry about is not only his current obligations and how and if he would ever get out of that, but then there's the larga distancia consideration too! How would we work that out? For me it's fine, I'd go there if he wanted, but does he even know I would? No he doesn't really know that.

When he asked me to come stay there for a long period of time, I immediately and nervously replied, 'ahh but that is too long, it would have to be for a much shorter time then that, and who's going to pay the flight, and I'd need a job to support myself during that time and what about my child?' I've heard stuff that women need to wait and think more before they answer things. Maybe so! So right away I replied with all that stuff that makes things seem difficult. He is very bright and mature and conciencous so I'm sure he understands the long distance thing creates another major readjustment thing for both of us, that aside from him having to work through his current obligations!!!

At this point I don't know. But I would really like to just stay in touch as friends at least. Think it's ok to just send an email? I want to keep it light and friendly, yet warm.

Well thanks Leticia, I'll let you go now. Know you are probably busy, another thing is tell your boricua companeros or other Latino companeros, if they are single they need to relearn how to sey 'hey' to the mujeres when they are out in public, because a lot of Latians raised in a traditional way are NOT going to talk to them first, but may speak to them if they at least say 'hi!'