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Why are men so possesive and jealous all the time?

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Old 9th November 2001, 09:53
Monchiexavier Monchiexavier is offline
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Monchiexavier
Question

I was with this guy since I was fifteen and I'm now twenty. When we first started going out everything was great, but then after a year and a half he didn't like the clothes I was wearing. He would trip if I went out with my friends. He would have people follow me and tell him what I was doing. Then girls started calling me and telling me that they had been with my boyfriend. I never saw anything so I figured they were just jealous. Well, I was wrong, he finally confessed now five years later that he cheated on me with not only one girl, but two. I told him I didn't want nothing to do with him and he said fine I'll just go and be with that other girl. Well, resently he saw me out with another guy and went off. Saying if he's not with me noone is and now he won't leave me alone again. Someone out there help me out. I don't want him, I don't even want to hear or see him. What do I do to get him to leave me alone? Now, I'm just looking to meet new people and have a little fun. Whats wrong with that?
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Old 9th November 2001, 10:48
nachos1965 nachos1965 is offline
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Angry Get a Restraining Order

Monchiexavier,
It sounds like your ex-boyfriend was being overly controlling because he knew he was cheating, knew that if you cheated on him that he would be very hurt by it, and he wanted to make sure you did not hurt him that way by spending time with other men and possibly getting sexually intimate with them. Your ex-boyfriend probably has issues with intimacy which is why he decided to pursue multiple sexual relationships instead of breaking it off. He definitely is acting controlling because he has feelings for you, does not know whether he should allow himself to be vulnerable to you, and is trying to protect himself by being with other women; in other words, not allowing himself to get too attached to you. He probably also struggles with caring about you and not wanting to let you go either because he is so used to being around you or he geniunely has feelings for you. Suffice it to say that his controlling anger toward you is due to his inability to express or resolve his own feelings and it is simpler to be angry than to be vulnerable and loving.

You may want to let him know that you are pursuing your own life and that you will not be waiting around for him to be a faithful guy, especially since his infidelity was disrespectful to you and very hurtful. You may also want to let him know that just like he can pursue relationships with other women, you have the right to pursue relationships with other men and he cannot dictate that at all. You should remind him (and this is also important) that had he been faithful to you and pursued a monogamous relationship with you that you would have done the same and that he would not have had anything to worry about. But since he has chosen otherwise, there are repercussions to his decision; namely, you get to see other men.

If he continues to bother you, then you need to pursue legal avenues such as getting a restraining order, especially if he is physically abusive and threatening. You may want to go to your local attorney general's office. Please do not take this off the table as an option because if he gets more violent then your safety is a concern. Your safety is preeminent. But also, if you do care about him, then you need to know that by filing a complaint, he may learn that there are consequences to his behavior. In the long run, this will hopefully help him deal with anger and realize that there are appropriate ways to express himself. Men, in general, (although not all men) tend to initially react more aggressively to situations that put them in a vulnerable position, especially when it involves someone that they care about. It takes time to overcome this initial reaction and learn how to respond in a positive way that is not as aggressive and that does not cause the person to fear reprisals. This is a constant struggle and one that he should be willing to undertake if he truly loves you.

Someone close to me recently shared the following verse from Second Timothy 1:7 "For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline." (NASB version). When a person is willing to submit themselves to the Spirit of God, then instead of anger and frustration, then will be able to be more self-discipined and express their feelings in a loving manner. Even though, you may not be in a relationship with your ex-boyfriend anymore, you may want to pray for him from time to time, that God will soften his heart and heal the hurt inside.

Nachos.

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Old 9th November 2001, 11:12
Monchiexavier Monchiexavier is offline
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Nachos

Thank you for you advice. I have thought about pursuing legal action, the only problem is he has threatened my families safety. So if I do take legal action he may go after me and even worse, my family. I don't know he's never physical hurt me, but I don't want to find out. I feel like I'm trapped, he gets to be free and I'm his prisoner. As much as he says he loves me, I feel he doesn't. You don't hurt people you love. I try to explain to him I am young (he is too), just because we didn't work out doesn't mean theres not someone else out there. He tells me to just forget what he did to me and move on with our relationship, but how do you forget something like that. How am I suppose to trust him? I love him and I wish him the best why can't he just do the same for me.

Monchie
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Old 9th November 2001, 11:34
nachos1965 nachos1965 is offline
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If he has threatened your family's safety, doing nothing does not prevent him from threatening them in the future. You may still want to tell the police so that they can warn him not to threat your family. At least they will have a report and be aware of his physical threats. If you do not do anything about it, then you will feel very guilty (unnecessarily) should something happens to your family because he continues his possessive behavior. Most often people do not want to pursue the legal avenue because they do not want to hurt the other person's feelings or give them a bad reputation. However, he is threatening the safety of your family members and this should not go unheeded. We all know what happened at Columbine when people ignored early warnings.

Also, it seems like he will not relent until you go back to him which may never occur. By going about your own life which is normal, this will only frustrate him more and escalate his behavior. If you can stop it now by pursuing legal action, then hopefully it will not go to the next step where he will be physically abusive to you or another family member.

Whether you pursue a relationship with him or not, he obviously hurt you because of that. You need to deal with your own feelings and try to understand that his cheating has nothing to do with you and was not your failure, but his failure. The sooner you address these feelings, the better you will be when you get into another relationship and the more stable you will be. Otherwise, you risk never trusting another man or refusing to allow yourself to be close to another man for fear that he will hurt you just like your ex-boyfriend.

Nachos.
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Old 9th November 2001, 12:16
Monchiexavier Monchiexavier is offline
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Smile Nachos

Your right I do need to do something about it. It surprises me that I'm in this situation. I'm very independent and I don't like men who are controlling. When it comes to cheating, I feel you want to be with someone else go ahead its all on you. I'm going to take this as a lesson and next time it won't go as far. Thanks for the advice, I appreciate it.
Monchie
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Old 16th November 2001, 17:24
hawnricanmami hawnricanmami is offline
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hawnricanmami
Wink looking for that fine rican papi

wheres my fine rican papi at give me a holla.email me at hawnrican_Wahine@hotmail.com.. Take it from there

Peace out
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ululani
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Old 28th November 2001, 11:37
spanishlovexx21 spanishlovexx21 is offline
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spanishlovexx21
Quote:
Originally posted by Monchiexavier
I was with this guy since I was fifteen and I'm now twenty. When we first started going out everything was great, but then after a year and a half he didn't like the clothes I was wearing. He would trip if I went out with my friends. He would have people follow me and tell him what I was doing. Then girls started calling me and telling me that they had been with my boyfriend. I never saw anything so I figured they were just jealous. Well, I was wrong, he finally confessed now five years later that he cheated on me with not only one girl, but two. I told him I didn't want nothing to do with him and he said fine I'll just go and be with that other girl. Well, resently he saw me out with another guy and went off. Saying if he's not with me noone is and now he won't leave me alone again. Someone out there help me out. I don't want him, I don't even want to hear or see him. What do I do to get him to leave me alone? Now, I'm just looking to meet new people and have a little fun. Whats wrong with that?
Seems like your ex has some mentally issues. I know the feeling being control. I was in a controlling & abusive relationship. It took me awhile to face the true colors. Your man isnt happy right now so he wants you to be unhappy because he cant find anyone else right now i guess & he's upset because the fact your moving on with your life. Maybe you should consider going to the police. Because what he's doing is harassing you.
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