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  • Help!! I love a married man

    I am in love with a man that is married. I also am married and care about my husband but I am not IN love with him. I will never leave him but there are no feelings there. My problem goes back more than 8 years ago when I got married. I thought my life would be great with my husband but it turned out to be different. I expected love and romance and those little details that are important to every woman and they just weren't there. Yes I have told him and he promises to be different but I still haven't seen what I'm looking for. When I got married I was a virgin and quite honestly, my love life is not great. So, here comes this other individual that just being close to him is torture for me. I know this all sounds so bad because I have always been taught that marriage is forever, but is it fair for me to live this life? Any advise will be welcomed.

  • #2
    Smufette, Life never seems to be fair , its a terrible thing , people fall in love and the same way the fell in love , they can fall out of it. So what do we do ? Of course
    fall in love again, apparently the person you fell into is going through the same channels you are. I can't tell you what to do, all I can say is " I know the feeling "
    Im kinda of a weird situation myself. Going to get possibly married and knowing I ain't ready. Why, their is another chula outthere.
    Let me know how things continue in the next couple of weeks. By the way what city are you from ?

    Comment


    • #3
      Lidu,

      I just want to say thanks for your reply. I am trying my best to work things out because I want to be sure that if I ever leave, I can at least say that I tried. Yes, there are kids involved and it makes it more complicated but I can't be a hypocrite and act like I'm the happiest woman in the world when the truth is, I'm not. I know that I will never leave to go with the other man, but it has been mentioned by him. I'm just not sure if it is the best thing to do because I figure that when both belong to someone else and we will probably not be happy knowing that we are leaving our homes to be with someone else. Maybe I'm just confused!!

      Comment


      • #4
        Wallstreet,

        Hi!! Let me tell you, make sure you are positive and ready to marry the person before hand because if not, you will not be happy. I know what I'm saying because it's my situation and now I don't know how to get out of it. If I had seen the signs way before, I would be very much single right now. Oh, thanks for responding. By the way, I'm from New Haven.

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        • #5
          I believe we should always look for our happiness since its only one life we lead and its pretty short. the only issue is the children. We must always be responsible towards them, they go first unfortunately. i also believe that before we do something irrational we must seek profesional help to give a solution a chance and if it cannot be salvadged then its time for a change. Good luck and lots of love!

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          • #6
            Thanks Joseuno. I do believe that the children come first, that is why I haven't left yet. But, it is hard to get professional help, especially when you have to give intimate details to someone you don't know. I did tell my husband how I feel and he said that he was leaving me but then decided not to, but it seems that he totally forgot what I said about my needs. Now I don't know if I should bring it up again without sounding like a pain in the rear.

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            • #7
              Smurfette:

              I've been married for 8 years. Not long enough to be considered an expert on marriage, but, long enough to have come through a couple of rough spots. I believe that a couple needs to feel free to communicate with each other without fear of ridicule or retribution. Your husband should wanto to hear what you have to say without feeling that you're being "a pain". He should want to hear what you have to say out of genuine concern about the relationship and consequently, concern over the wellbeing of his kids, the marriage and your personal happiness, not necessarily in that order, but you catch my drift.

              On the same token, you should feel empowered to have a direct and sincere discussion with your husband. Men are not mind readers, you can not expect them, or anyone for that matter, to know what you want or what makes you happy if; a. you're not sure or, b. you are not communicating your needs efficiently.

              Now I know you have stated that you told your husband what your needs were and that he still is not meeting them. Ask yourself,
              are you meeting his needs? Are your needs realistic? Some people lay a heavy burden on their spouses. We women suffer from the "knight in shining armour syndrome"... we sit around expecting some man to come and take away all of our problems and make us happy for the rest of our lives, instead of actively participating in making ourselves happy. No one individual will satisfy all of your needs. Not in friendship and not in marriage. And in life there is no such thing as blissful happiness. Life is made up of many little moments of happiness and many little moments of sorrow. That is the only way we know the difference between one and the other.

              You shared with us that you are in love with a married man. If he has stepped out on his wife to pursue you what makes you think he won't step out on you to pursue another?
              Keep that in mind. Once a cheater always a cheater. It is a moral trait.

              Think about this, beacuse the grass always looks greener on the other side. Were you once in love with you current husband? What were the things about him that made you love him? Has he really changed, or is it you who has changed and are now more in tune with what you want from life?

              I don't know the details, but if your man is fundamentally a good guy.
              Meaning, he works, pays the bills, is honest, doesn't have a drug or alcohol problem and doesn't beat you or your kids, then you probably have a marriage worth working on. Don't be so quick to run after some Casanova who's cheating on his wife.
              NOt everything that glitters is gold.

              However, if your husband is a louse, beats you, abuses drugs and/or alcohol, is himself a womanizer, mistreats you ( verbally ) or the children, doesn't work ( any of the above), than do what you have to do. He'll have to lay in his bed but remember so will you.

              I wish you the best of luck.

              IDJ
              Que Viva Puerto Rico Libre.

              Comment


              • #8
                IDJ:

                Thnaks for all of your comments. The fact is that yes I do have a good husband. He pays the bills, does not use drugs, does not beat me or my children but, what about intimacy? Isn't that the most important part of the marriage, when you are both compatible!! Anyone can come into your life to pay bills, and take care of your children, but not everyone can meet your needs and keep you satisfied. Maybe I am wrong but please I am young (28) and I feel that what I am saying is very important to any marriage. I don't think I should live a frustrated life for the rest of my life just because he pays my bills, doesn't beat me and takes care of the kids, because I work too!!!!!

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                • #9
                  Hi Smurfette:

                  You are correct. You should not live a frustrated life whether you are young or old. But what is it that is frustrating you? Two books for you to read. PLease go get them before you take any drastic steps with your marriage;

                  1- The dance of intimacy;
                  2- The dance of anger.

                  Please read these books. The first will help you understand what may be the causes of intimacy problem.

                  The second will help you understand the dynamics of anger and anger repression.


                  Take care.

                  IDJ.
                  Que Viva Puerto Rico Libre.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    IDJ:

                    I apologize if in my previous reply I came across in a nasty way. But thank you so, so much for referring me to something that can at least help me clear my mind, because at times it gets crazy. Can you tell me where I can buy them?

                    Thanks!!!!!!!!

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                    • #11
                      Hey Smurfette:

                      You will find these books in almost any bookstore. They were really big sellers in the 80's. Try a Barnes & Nobles if you can't find them at your local bookstore. Also, you might be able to just check them out at your local public library.

                      Your apology is not necessary, I understood your point and it was an important one. If you want to talk off the board, you can email me at Isabel.DeJesus@db.com.

                      Take care of yourself.
                      IDJ
                      Que Viva Puerto Rico Libre.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Thanks IDJ. I am going to look for the books this weekend and start reading them. I know that I need to correct my situation because the fact is that no matter which way I look at it, I am the one at fault because being faithful (even mentally) is first.

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                        • #13
                          Hi Smurfette:

                          Let me know when you get the books. By the way How old are your kids? I have a 4 year old son. He just got his last MMR vaccination today. I felt so guilty leaving him to come to work after he got his shot.
                          Although he was with his daddy, he kept crying for mami. Ya tu sabes como es. Who's always palling around with daddy, but when he's hungry, tired or hurt, no body can take care of it better than mami.

                          Take care of yourself.

                          IDJ
                          Que Viva Puerto Rico Libre.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Hi Smurfette:

                            Let me know when you get the books. By the way How old are your kids? I have a 4 year old son. He just got his last MMR vaccination today. I felt so guilty leaving him to come to work after he got his shot.
                            Although he was with his daddy, he kept crying for mami. Ya tu sabes como es. He's always palling around with daddy, but when he's hungry, tired or hurt, no body can take care of it better than mami.

                            Take care of yourself.

                            IDJ
                            Que Viva Puerto Rico Libre.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Hey, IDJ:

                              Nice to hear from you. Boys are always after daddy but the truth is that they look for mommy for all the comfort. Daddys don't get me wrong. Well I have 3 kids/ 8 year old, 5 year old and a baby 8 months. They are a riot but I was thinking recently, what would a home be like if there were no children in it to make some noise. Thank God for our children. Take care!!!!

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