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  • need some man advice

    please someone break my confusion!!! i am 24 and just met a guy through a friend who seemed very sweet and we hit it off great when we chatted on the phone. we had a blind date and when we met it was ok though he seemed a bit distant from me. i was upfront and told him i would like to get to know him better and to start slow and date. he agreed and said he wanted to start slow too. but he just got out of a sticky relationship with a lady of 4 yrs. he has 2 kids one is from this lady and another from his past-. he had a very rough and seems -like abusive relationship with his recent ex of 4 yrs and though he has a 2 yr old with her, he thru her out and send her to PR. he has the other kid in another state. i understood that he just was fresh from an old situation and needed time to adjust, however i am very confused with him. heres the situation- we talked for a week and then got together again but this time he was real close(get my drift?) and we went to his place(stupid i know) and we were intimate. i was upfront again and said i didn't want this to be a booty-call or nothin and he swore we'd be getting together and going out to places and stuff. i called him that next week and never got a response til he called me one night and said come over- i was reluctant but i did(stupid again i guess) we were intimate again and this time he started asking me things like would i be proud to have him as my man and stuff like that- i was like-HUH? then while being intimate he said he better not catch me with no one else caus ei was his and vice versa. then he asked me to call his work and tell him he was sick the next day and to tell them i was his girl- again i was like-HUH??? but it is confusing cause i'll stay at his house and the next day he is so distant again- like nothin happened. and doesn't kiss me goodbye- when i questioned him about this he said i was rushing him-again-HUH??? so you can see why i am confused- he will say we will get together on the weekend but again no calls- and when i page him no call back. i really like our time together and the bedroom stuff is real great- yet i am getting older and want a situation that has potential to be more serious in the future. he says he wants a friend to mess with and date- yet no relationship now- he says the other girl (who he talks about alot in complaints) was nice like i am at first but then treated him wrong. so i can see why he is afraid now- yet whats up? do i just go with the flow for now and see if something develops- wait for him to call me up and see him when he does? or test him and see what his true intentions are? i am so confused and a bit disappointed- if anyone out there has been thru omething like this or has some insight please respond- HELP!!! thanx- Gringbonita24

  • #2
    gringa,
    mira nena, you are being used. honey he just got of a 4yr. relationship and you really don't know the whole story b/c there is always 2 stories from each side. i'm gonna tell you from experience girl that i've met guys like that who say one thing to get some booty and then they don't even want to acknowledge you after getting some. girl he saying all the things you want to hear but he sure ain't backing it up w/ affection, quality time, and respect. girl you sound really sweet so please get rid of that LOSER, there are better men out there and they will treat you how you wanna be treated. if you continue w/ this abuse, it can form a pattern and all the relationships that you do seek can end up like this. sit there and think what qualities do you want in a man and how you would like to be treated. nena and trust me you are gonna find someone w/ those expectations. it's no problem trying to put your expectations high you b/c you deserve even better. much love LA MAMICHULA

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    • #3
      Hello Gringa,

      I don't know how you are going to take this, but you don't need any advise. It's common sense if you told him what you wanted and he's not doing it then don't stress the issue, just move on. He's just getting out of a long term relationship, so he's probably not ready to settle down again.

      It seems that maybe you moved a little to fast when you first went to see him, and he could be thinking that your easy. Maybe not, it could of been a mutual attraction at the time. Still if he's only calling you when he needs something, then maybe he's not for you. You seem like the type of person who knows what she wants out of a man, so go for what you want, but don't sell yourself short while in the process. You know what I mean? Don't lower your standards just for him, there's to many men out here and I'm sure there's someone out there that can for fill your needs. Be patience and it'll work out in your favor okay!

      If it's meant to be then it will happen. Remind him what it is that your seeking, then if nothing happens back off a little. Once he sees that your not playing then maybe he'll come around. He should at least give you that common courtesy and tell you if he wants to be in a relationship or not. Sometimes men can be stubbern and bet around the bush, and they can sometimes play with peoples emotions. If you don't want that to happen to you, then don't allow him to do it, other wise he will. Always remember that you control your own destiny, anything that happens in life is because you wanted it to! Good Luck!


      AMERICANSISTA



      [This message has been edited by americansista (edited 07 December 1999).]

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      • #4
        thank you both mamichula and americansista! it is great that there are strong ladies like yourselves that are caring enough to advise me. this has been a tough one really, but everyone tells me to just let him loose- but, easier said then done. if he calls me i will just tell him that i thought he was another kinda guy(which i did really) and i wasn't gonna play this casual sex game. i treat men right and deserve that too-right girls??? but lately all i meet are losers. i guess they say when you aren't lookin you will come across that person-right? i just hate being alone. maybe its good for me though and i don't know it yet. but i have another silly question if you might have some opinion on- i started writing letters to this guy in jail like a month ago- he is the brother of a friend of mine. he is like my age and has been in jail for 8 yrs. well, if and i mean if when he gets out we wanna meet(not that i'm holding my breath) what do you think about giving a guy a second chance in life? i mean my family thinks i'm nuts to write to him since he was framed and got charged with a serious crime. but he was just a kid then and people change. what do you think? guess this seems like a silly question but i was just wondering what peoples opinions were out there! please write me and let me know and thanks again for the heartbreak-saving advice ladies! hope i can return the favor! -peace,Gringabonita24

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        • #5
          A LITTLE ADVICE FROM A MAN WHO HAS BEEN THERE. THIS GUY SEEMS TO BE ON A REVENGE FACTOR. EVEN THOUGH YOUR NOT THE WOMAN HE'S ANGRY WITH, THERE SEEMS TO BE INDICATERS(THE FACT THAT HE DOES NOT RETURN YOUR CALLS) THAT WOULD BRING YOU TO THIS CONCLUSION.KICK HIM TO THE CURB. YOU DESERVE BETTER. UNLESS YOU REALLY ENJOY THE INTIMACY. IT TAKES LITTLE TIME TO FIND A MAN W/PROBLEMS & A LOT LONGER TO FIND ONE WITHOUT. "PITO"

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          • #6
            I GUESS THAT'S WHY THEY CALL ME THE LOVE DOCTOR...

            LOOK HERE GIRL,
            NOW YOU WERE JUST COMPLAINING ABOUT THAT LOSER WHO JUST WANTED YOU FOR ONE THING, NOW YOU WANT TO DATE A CRIMINAL. DID YOU EVER THINK THAT IT'S NOT THE GUYS YOU MEET, IT'S THE GUYS YOU CHOOSE. WHAT I'M SAYING IS, THERE ARE ALL KINDS OF GUYS OUT HERE AND YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT, AND YOUR CHOOSING THE WRONG ONES. YOU'RE SELLING YOURSELF SHORT AND THAT'S SOMETHING WE AS WOMEN SHOULD NOT DO! DO YOU FEEL THAT YOU CAN'T FIND OR GET A GOOD MAN, IS YOUR SELF ESTEEM LOW. FOR YOUR SAKE I HOPE NOT BECAUSE ALL YOU ARE GOING TO DEAL WITH IS LOSERS.

            WHAT CAN THAT MAN GIVE YOU IN JAIL,HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT HE'S NOT REALLY IN JAIL FOR A SERIOUS CRIME THAT HE COMMITED! IF THAT'S THE CASE THEN YOU CAN BE DEALING WITH THE FIRST GUY. WHY EVEN BOTHER, WHEN YOU CAN DO BETTER?
            HAVE JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE PRIDE IN YOURSELF, AND DON'T FEEL YOU JUST HAVE TO HAVE A MAN IN YOUR LIFE. YOU CAN DO BAD BY YOURSELF, DON'T LET A MAN BRING YOU DOWN. CAN YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? IF YOU LIKE A SWEET, ROMANTIC GUY THEN THAT'S THE GUY YOU NEED. NOW IF YOU LIKE A HARDHEAD WITH NO JOB, NO MONEY, NO RESPECT FOR WOMEN AND HIMSELF THEN THAT'S THE GUY YOU NEED. OBVIOUSLY YOU WANT CHOICE A, SO LEAVE CHOICE B ALONE. NOW THAT'S THE ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION!!!!! SIGNING OFF, LOVE DOCTOR AMERICANSISTA!!

            PS.
            ANY MORE ADVISE, FEEL FREE TO ASK, BECAUSE I'M JUST GOING TO TELL IT HOW IT IS!

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            • #7
              thanx alot Pito for your reply! i appreciate the concern. i finally agreed after thinkin it over hard and with all ya'lls advise, that he's history!!!! C-YA!! i don'y understand though your thinking on the revenge part, but he is gone now anyway. so what do you think about the other topic? love to hear your opinion. And,americansista, thanks also for your response. I know i don't always pick the good guys for myself however i wasn't lookin for a romance with this guy while he was in jail. (i mean a girls got needs,right?) jaja! anyway, he'll be out this spring, and what i meant was if i meet him and we hit it off, what did you think of givin a guy a second chance at life? i don't believe that once you are a jailbird you are always one, and people can change their lives if they really want to. i don't know if he has or really will, but if that evidence is shown, why not give him the chance to prove himself a reformed person. i don't know for sure if he really committed the crime, but i know his family real well and they told me he was framed by the people who really did it. but that isn't really the issue if you are giving a guy a second chance. so what do you think, how is this dangerous then? write me a response if you can, wanna know your thoughts and anyone elses- thanks again,Gringabonita24

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              • #8
                Hello Gringabonita24,

                If you continue to talk to this guy while he's in jail and then meet when he gets out, then do it. If you then feel that it might be an connection between the two of you then follow your heart. I do believe in second chance, but I always look at the whole picture before taking that chance and that's what you're going to have to do. who know's that might be the man of your dreams, and he might be your nightmare also. Just follow your heart, and make sure you don't sell yourself short okay!! Good luck now, and in the future!!

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                • #9
                  what i mean by revenge is that any women he's with he'll treat like the one that hurt him. also as far as the guy who's doing time its a judgement call. i've done counseling w/inmates & the hardest thing for them to do when they are released is adjusting to life outside of those walls. they will have physical needs immediately. they will say & do anything to accomplish this. also if he was framed he will be angry about time lost. he'll probably need counseling. doyou have the time & patiences to deal with this? i would think you could spend less time looking for someone with less problems.

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