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In a new relationship with a PR guy. Need advice?

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  • In a new relationship with a PR guy. Need advice?

    Hey everyone Im in a fairly new relationship with a younger PR guy. Im white american and Im 27 and my new bf is 22. He is the first PR guy Ive ever been with. Ive had 2 serious relationships, both guys were white. Our story so far is a bit interesting. Long story but bear with me if you can.. I was living in NY with my BF (now ex) for 3 years. I was working at a factory when I met Cheo. He is EXTREMELY attractive and I noticed him right away but I was getting married so I NEVER approached him. We would exchange glances and maybe say hi in passing but that was it. When my relationship with my fiance was close to ending because of a drinking problem he had, I really started noticing Cheo even more. I felt guilty for crushing on this guy so soon, but I couldnt help it! There was just something special about him and I couldnt deny that I was completely smitten with him. I also started hearing from all his friends how he really liked me and has for the past 6 months. I guess he was always talking about me to his friends and asking about me. After my engagement ended officially, I finally approached him and introduced myself. Thats when I realized that his english was really terrible and I could hardly understand him. lol But looking in his eyes, it was just like love at first sight. My heart was just going crazy!

    So when my engagement ended, I knew I wasnt going to stay in NY. My ex was being horrible and I needed to get away. I knew I was gonna move back home to PA with my family. I told Cheo the first or second day talking to him that I was moving away and we probably could never have a relationship. At this point we hadnt even exchanged phone numbers or anything and we still were really only talking a tiny bit when we would pass by eachother at work. Ill never forget what he said to me. He looked me in the eyes and said "Ill follow you". I couldnt believe this guy who really barely knew me would actually consider moving for me and I quite honestly didnt believe him!

    Well to fast forward 2 months later, here he is! He moved for me like he said he would. Just gave up his whole life and came here to PA for me to a new town where he has no family or friends and he did it all for me. So things are awesome and wonderful and perfect, right? Not so much..

    The first week Cheo was here, I thought he was going to leave. A friend of my family had hooked him up with a job in landscaping and he really hated it. He felt so out of place not knowing anyone here and he really took his frustrations out on me. He had never fought with me or treated me like anything other than gold for the entire month we were in NY. After him moving down here, he started sort of treating me differently. He would come home in a bad mood almost every day the first 2 weeks and we would end up arguing really bad over just some really stupid stuff that he would get really mad at me over (for example getting super pissed at me when he had to work all day and I had the day off and went to the pool with one of my friends, simple stuff like that would make him flip out) He would say things like he wanted to leave and go back home and if I didnt wanna come with him I must not love him. That one really hurt

    So anyway, its been a month now since he moved here and he is much happier. He found a much better job where he will be making good money and he has made some friends, which I am very happy about. But he still has these really immature tantrums over really stupid things that make me wonder sometimes what Ive gotten myself into. I have a very meek and mild personality and it hurts me when he raises his voice or doesnt understand when I tell him that certain things he does hurt me. A lot of the issues are the language barrier. When we try to talk, he doesnt understand a lot of what I say and he takes it the wrong way. Some might be his age too. He is younger than me so I wonder if he still has some growing up to do. I know he loves me..if he didnt he wouldnt have moved here for me. But I really cant stand the days that I have to walk on eggshells because I dont know if something I do or say is gonna make him mad and make him fly off the handle. I guess I basically wanna know what I can do to keep my man happy and have a good relationship with him. I cant help but sometimes feel like maybe we were living in a dream world the first few weeks of our relationship and now that reality has set in, its not what we expected. But I do love him and I do want this to work. Hes so special to me and different than any guy Ive known. What are some things I can do to keep him happy and not want to leave? And what can I do to express my feelings a little better so he can understand me? I did buy a spanish cd and book so I am going to try very hard to learn for him. And his english is getting better..but Im just worried. I want some encouragement that things will get better with time and that when we really get to know eachother we can be more compatable. I dont wanna give up on him this soon. I really wanna give him a chance! But Im very worried I dont wanna get hurt again! What should I do?

  • #2
    Hi SarahNiccole,
    Firstly, I'm not Puerto Rican so I can't give you any advice on cultural differences.
    What really struck me was this...

    But I really cant stand the days that I have to walk on eggshells because I dont know if something I do or say is gonna make him mad and make him fly off the handle.
    I was married for many years to a man who flew off the handle for any little thing. Sadly I stuck around long enough for him to emotionally scar both his children and me. We all walked on eggshells/broken glass never sure of what would set him off. Something that was fine today, would be unacceptable the next - little things.

    I divorced him eventually and it took at least two years for my children and I to deal with the trauma of living in a house with this temperamental narcissist. We were all on anti-depressants. Now that my children are adults he is back in their lives and they have accepted him back - which is a sign of strength on their part, having nothing to do with the person he is. Now he thinks he's the marvelous dad with two respectable, and respectful, children. They achieved a normal life despite him, not because of him.

    Anyway, I'm rambling - but if I were you I would get out while you can. Don't feel obligated to stay with him just because he uprooted his life to follow you. You didn't ask him to, and even if you did, its no reason to jeopardise your future for someone who clearly doesn't appreciate it.

    I also found my husband exciting and different at one time - he was wild and mysterious compared to the other people I mixed with. But all that is fine for a while. What I really want now is someone to be my companion, to treat me with respect and that I am able to respect in return. I'm over 50 now, my children are both married - and happy. I am alone, but have a measure of peace and contentment in my life that I never had while married to him.

    I really relate to Alanis Morisette's song Not the Doctor. Maybe you will too...

    I don't want to be the filler if the void is solely yours
    I don't want to be your glass of single malt whiskey
    Hidden in the bottom drawer
    I don't want to be a bandage if the wound is not mine
    Lend me some fresh air
    I don't want to be adored for what I merely represent to you
    I don't want to be your babysitter
    You're a very big boy now
    I don't want to be your mother
    I didn't carry you in my womb for nine months
    Show me the back door

    I don't want to be the sweeper of the egg shells that you walk upon
    And I don't want to be your other half, I believe that 1 and 1 make 2
    I don't want to be your food or the light from the fridge on your face
    At midnight, hey
    What are you hungry for
    I don't want to be the glue that holds your pieces together
    I don't want to be your idol
    See this pedestal is high and I'm afraid of heights
    I don't want to be lived through
    A vicarious occasion
    Please open the window


    I don't want to live on someday when my motto is last week
    I don't want to be responsible for your fractured heart
    And it's wounded beat
    I don't want to be a substitute for the smoke you've been inhaling
    What do you thank me
    What do you thank me for

    Visiting hours are 9 to 5 and if I show up at 10 past 6
    Well I already know that you'd find some way to sneak me in and oh
    Mind the empty bottle with the holes along the bottom
    You see it's too much to ask for and I am not the doctor
    Last edited by carpediem; 12th July 2011, 12:10. Reason: This 'n that

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    • #3
      Wow Im so sorry to hear about your marriage That must have been just awful for you and your family. I sure hope I wouldnt let myself fall into that same kind of thing. I think the best I can do is take it very slow. He really is wonderful MOST of the time. And maybe I shouldnt say he "flies off the handle" cause he has never screamed or really yelled and hasnt raised his hand to me at all. But when he doesnt like something, he definitely makes it known and he gets sort of this little-kid attitude with me and acts like a smart ass. I do get my feelings hurt easy and Im pretty sensitive so it doesnt take much to get me upset. Maybe Im taking some of the things he says the wrong way.

      My first relationship my husband cheated on me constantly, and the guy I almost married was a drunk and didnt respect me so if this guy doesnt work out I will start to feel like Ill never find someone to truly love me and cherish me. I want that guy thats gonna stick with me for the long run. I have a lot of love to give and Im a very kind and compassionate person. All I want is the same in return. I know no one is perfect. I just wanna know there is someone out there who will want to grow old with me and have a family with me. Cheo is really a wonderful guy, he just has some issues he either needs to work through/grow out of or that I need to just accept about him and try not to let things bother me so much. Im certainly not a perfect person either. I guess time will tell where things end up. Im not giving up on him just yet and I want to give us a chance to get to know eachother better and learn what gets under the other one's skin so maybe we willl have a better relationship. Right now I do feel we rushed things and we maybe now need to slow it down a bit. I know when we first met he was ready to run off and marry me and I probably would have been crazy enough to do it if I wasnt still grieving the end of my engagement. Its very easy for me to get swept off my feet. lol and Im a hopeless romantic. Well thank you so much for your input!

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      • #4
        Reading back over my post, I realize just how cynical I've become - sorry for my negativity.

        Of course you're entitled to love and romance - and I hope you've found it. There are tons of great relationships out there - many of them between people of completely different backgrounds.

        Relationships are complex, but can be very rewarding - and a lot of fun.

        All the best with yours - I really hope it works out for both of you.

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