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Best friend Vs. Girl friend

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  • Best friend Vs. Girl friend

    Iím in a situation that Iím sure some of you have been in before. I have a new girlfriend I have been dating for 3 months. I love her dearly but a situation has risen that involves my relationship with a best friend who happens to be female. My friend and I have never been romantically involved nor had any desires to go that route. Itís come to the point where she and I have to tell little lies in order to spend time with each other for the sake of both of our significant others. Does anyone have any advise? (Are we wrong?)

  • #2
    Why the lies?

    There is something you are not telling here. If nothing clandestine and romantic is going on between you and your "best frined," then why are you telling lies? Why not introduce your girlfriend and best friend to one another, if you have nothing to hide? Don't you want your relationship with your girlfriend to be based on honesty and respect? Would you want her to "hide" a guy friend from you? Please explain why this is a secret.

    D.

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    • #3
      Some Kind of Wonderful

      I think I know why this is a secret. How, because I have been there before. In fact, PuertoRican Princess practically gives it away with her post explaining the relationship, albeit she doesn't honesty write what is going on. She wrote the following:

      I have a problem that you've probably heard of before. I have been with my boyfriend (now fiancee) for 3 years. My best friend happens to be male. He's also on line (native sonn). He and I are as close as any friends could be, we're familia. The problem is, we have to lie to the ones we're with to spend time together because of jealousy. My fiancee cannot believe for a minute that we are just friends. I tried to stopp hanging with him as much as I did before but it's too hard. He's there for me through anything that I go through. We've never been romantically involved or ever plan on being. I don't know what to do, I don't want to lie, but if I tell my fiancee the truth, we just end up arguing because he just can't understand our friendship. Are we wrong? What should we do?

      Although Puertorican Princess and Nativesonn say that they have never been romantic or plan to be, what they did not say is that they don't have romantic feelings for each other. I am sure that they do. Maybe they have "agreed" consciously or unconsciously not to be romantically involved. What I have noticed about these type of male/female friendships (having been in some) is that there is significant flirting going on.

      Usually, one of the persons wanted to originally be in a relationship with the other, but because the timing was not right (perhaps, the other person already had a boyfriend), the friendship never developed into a relationship. With me, for example, I still had feelings for my female friend and was content to be around her, even if it meant that they we couldn't be something more. So because I had feelings for the other person, what I would do is compliment her, tell her how much she was special, flirt and sometimes give that puppy-eyed stare. We would spend time together, go to the movies or to dinner. I would listen to her when she had problems, be understanding and would say that her boyfriend just wasn't treating her right in a way that was not attacking her boyfriend. This gives the woman the strong feeling that she has a male who understands her and appreciates her when things are bad.

      Of course, my female friend loved the attention, especially when things went wrong in her relationship with her boyfriend. The mutual teasing in this way made us both feel good and feel that no matter what when things go wrong we either had the attention from their boyfriend or from their "male friend." Who wouldn't want that? You could avoid feeling alone when things go wrong and avoid the risk of feeling rejected when you are upset with your real partner. Essentially, you become their quasi-boyfriend who substitutes in when things are wrong or when the real boyfriend is out of town or has something he needs to do. That's why they prefer to spend time alone together instead of letting the relationship be open and letting their partner be involved in the relationship. If they were truly platonic friends who didn't flirt and treated each other like true brothers and sisters, then they should be able to go out (Nativesonn and his girlfriend and PuertoRican Princess and her fiancee) as a group. They don't because they know that if they act that way in front of their respective partners that the other person would know that they are acting disrespectful. So they can only be flirting by themselves in secret.

      Additional modification Even when they do spend time with together with their friends, this is not enough because the tension of wanting to flirt together builds up and they need to be alone in order to do this. So they need to be alone even if they spend time with their "real partners" in order to be able to flirt with each other.

      But there is always this secret desire of wanting to be with her and wanting to have something more. The problem is that in some ways things are dissatisfying because when you want that extra time with the other person, usually their relatioship gets in the way (they have a date, go out, or just want to hang out together without you there as a third wheel). More importantly, what you do is undermine your committment to the real relationship because you end up revealing more of yourself to your female friend because she can't "reject" you, she has a boyfriend whom she is with. This is totally unfair to your real girlfriend because you should be telling her what you think and feel instead of secretly wishing that she would be more like PuertoRican Princess and more understanding. This, of course, happens to PR Princess as well.

      Anyways, if you really admit what is going on, then you have the answer. As NegraD said, would you like it if your girlfriend was flirting with another guy and being playful with him. Absolutely not, so don't do it to your girlfriend. When you finally admit what you are doing and why, then you can as I did admit that these types of relationships can be destructive in the long run and the temporary gratification isn't worth depriving you of having a full and complete relationship with your new girlfriend and should not deprive PuertoRican Princess from developing the relationship with her fiancee. Her husband should be her best friend, not some other male. It only indicates her unwillingness to get closer to her fiancee the way a normal and healthy relationship should be. If you were a true friend, you would know your place and not want to keep her from getting closer to her fiancee.

      Nachos.

      [Edited by nachos1965 on 6th November 2001 at 17:34]

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      • #4
        Well, I don't have much time to answer, but I will say this. My fiancee DOES KNOW about nativesonn. He has known about him from the begining. The problem is he chooses not to hang out with us because he believes we shouldn't hang out at all. That's why it is the way it is. He doesn't think that male and female can have a true friendly relationship. I'll tell you more later.
        Mara

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        • #5
          Still waiting for your response

          Puertorican Princess:
          Tomorrow it will be a month since you last posted a response and I have not heard anything from either of you about the nature of your relationship; i.e., do you guys flirt with each other and comment inappropriately like I mentioned. Your lack of response to this simple question leads me to believe that the answer is yes and that you two do have an emotional/romantic connection that you are not being honest about. If so, then it is obvious that you guys should not spend time together, especially alone. This just disrespects your relationship and will hurt the ones you are supposedly in love with. What is more surprising is that Puertorican Princess is engaged and if she has feelings for someone else then that will negatively affect her marriage unless she does something about it. Otherwise, one of these days you guys may just succumb to temptation.

          Nachos

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          • #6
            Nachos:
            I know itís been awhile since you have heard from me. The truth is I just wanted some feed back, I was not expecting a debate. I wanted to see if men and women had different views on the mater. Sometimes it is better to step outside a situation and look in. That is why I put it out there, to see if people saw something I could not.
            My impression is that people will always look for the worst and opt for that which sounds most like gossip. We have to have a link are else we would not be such good friends. It is presumptuous to think it is a romantic relationship simply because we are of the opposite sex. Good friends are hard to come by these days. Familia is even harder to come by. Obviously youíve never had a good friend. If you did you would not find it so easy to just drop them off. If someone asked you to stop speaking to your best friends would you find it as simple? If you do then you are not a best friend.
            Your comments are appreciated, even if they are way off track.

            Nativesonn,
            I can tell you in a native tongue,
            ďLa MedĒ

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            • #7
              Look nachos your fiancee, your soon to be your husben (God willing)his going to be your new friend in your life a very good close friend and going to be a loveing husben, you can tell him any thing, if you relly love him you'll do so and he'll do the same, if he love you he'll do the same, and if he trully love you he would understand.




              I don't know if this could work, but just talk to him,( todo se ase con dios y con hablal tambien ) que dios los vendegan.


              my name is Victor I Maldonado. My E-Mail is bori_smiley8@yahoo.com or hotmail.com

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